"Church... church... church... Whalecum to my church..." I chanted to the newcomers entering the church that Momma Onion and I work and worship at. Sapphie and Skittlez stood beside me, excited for the ceremony to commence. When it was finally time for the service to begin we all gathered in the great, big church that sat at the end of the property's winding driveway.
"Oo la bock, I have a big c*ck!" We all chanted in unison. The church was really coming alive with the sounds of drums and the sacrifices. We danced and cried and died. This was when I was truly alive. This... this was religion. This was what living was like! Until I got stabbed by George Washington. It was only in the leg, but the act still caused me to fall to the ground and begin convulsing. I was dying. Here. In church. I screamed like the little velociraptor I am and used a boot to try and stop the bleeding. Unfortunately, some bees were attracted by the smell of blood and they descended from the fifth floor of the Dark Tower and began feasting upon my torn flesh. A masked magician leaped from the shadows and began spraying the wound with some mysterious liquid from a spray bottle. I screamed in agony as the spray burned! It smelt of vinegar!
Immediately, the bees fell to the floor, dying on the spot. I let out an amused "hmph" and smirked down at the foul beasts that littered the ground around my dirty toes. Oh crap. Gotta put my shoes on, I guess. I thanked the magician and they disappeared back into the shadows. I was about to turn away when a voice called, "Wait! Take this!" A bag of Lay's salt and vinegar chips sailed through the air, undulating in the breeze, before landing in my open arms. I caught them with a graceful charm and smiled to the audience, who was cheering and calling my name. The judges all gave me a perfect score. I was now the top chip-bag-catcher in the entire state of Georgia.
Suddenly, the clapping stopped. All but one person was clapping. It was... the Thot-Supreme! I was shaking! The one being who I could not defeat! She smirked, evilly before extending a grey, grotesque finger towards me. The finger began growing longer and longer and longer. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. She was going to poke me! No no no! Her finger continued to grow! It just kept on growing! Expanding! Everyone, including myself, was absolutely terrified.
The only thing that unfroze me from my state of horror was Bob Teh Unicorn's voice, "Unleash the salt and vinegar chips upon her sl*tty ass! Do it you dumb bitch!" She shouted to me from her place in the audience. I ripped the bag open, exposing its delightful contents. They shot a beam of energy at the Thot-Supreme! She shriveled up like an old, nasty avocado and stormed out of the church.
"ARE YOU AFRAID? ARE YOU AFRAID OF MY SALT AND VINEGAR CHIPS YOU NASTY BITCH? FEAR ME!!! I NO LONGER RESIDE IN YOUR TERRITORY!!! I WILL LIBERATE ALL THOSE WHO ARE UNDER YOUR INFLUENCE!!!" I shrieked.
I then turned to the audience, "THIS IS WHAT Y'ALL F*CKIN GET! WE DON'T HAVE NASTY THOTS INFILTRATING OUR CULT MEETINGS WHERE I'M FROM! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS SHIT IS, BUT YOU HAVE A PEST P R O B L E M!" I dropped the mic and got off the stage. I then proceeded to ascend into the attic.
YOU ARE READING
The Daily Life Of Colee Magy II
HumorWhat happens when Colee Magy returns to her Daily Life? Things have changed in the world, and she needs to save the world.
