stardust | ✔

xlii.

'MIDNIGHT BETWEEN THE LINES'

oh,
marie, my dear, i hope that you're aching for none.

my dear, don't you waste your tears,
on our deceased sons,

our fathers died with pride,
our brothers died in vain,
our sons died with nothing but shame.

save up your strength.
for we (i) need your voice,
to guide us (me) through chaos,

remind us (me) of pain,
(what makes us human)
when we think we have no other choice.

oh dear,
my lovely marie, hold my hand,
(it's midnight whilst i write,
but the guns shoot on. death continues to reap.)
i need you right now.

we'll count to three.
the sun will set,
and they (i) shall march to war.

but don't worry your little heart,
for all of this is a game. (a lethal one, i might not even finish)

and as long as you stay behind these gates,
know that you are safe.
(please be safe).

oh my dear,
they swing their guns,
(i want to stop)
they fight with fists,
(i still have that letter, you sealed with a kiss)
they slam, they exhale —blood
(and that's all i need, a last promise from you.)
and breath in —their brothers' ash,
(that no matter where i go,
wherever i disappear to...)
they swing their knives,
(that your love shall follow me, through and through.)
cut away,

cut away,
life after life.

oh my sweet dear,
this is what happens.
this what they do.
(we, we, we kill without mercy of thought.)
this what we chose,
(this is what i chose, over you.)

now we pay,
including you.
(i'm sorry,)
you might not have to bleed,
on the battlefield.

but the curse of regret,
(of ever accepting my hand,)
will haunt you,
(because i promised,
to be there till death—)
oblivion once was blessed.
(but then i left.)
but now you'll never be able to forget.

oh, my sweat dear marie,
how much i miss your smile,
(inched on your skin,
like a perfect crack
on the perfect place.
it's engraved on the outside,
embedded from within.)
how long has it been?

a day?
a month?
a few years?
certainly a while...

but i'm alive (as far as i could be).
my lungs still function,
my heart still beats.
but it's no longer the same,
never was after i left your side,
'cause my heart feels changed.
i feel weaker inside.

i remember summers,
(i don't like thinking)
you in a white dress...
(unless it's about you,)
i hold on,
to crispy winters,
hoping to drown the sinking stress.

guilt seeps in my bones.
(i scream, i scream, i scream,
none can hear. just the dead,
but why would they care?)
the blood won't wash off,
(help me, help me, help me, help me...)
smoke clouds my consciousness,
how long will this go on?
how long till i'll forget,
the words you said,
the rules of humanity,
my own limits, things i once had dread.

my faith...
our love...

don't hope for my return,
because i don't think i deserve,
this life that i've been gifted to have,
i've misused, abused and fully cheated on all that i've got.

marie, oh, marie,
you deserve serenades and poetry,
long love letters (that have no blood stains).
you deserve all and more.
but this is all i can give.
don't you send warmth any longer,
for corpses don't need such thing.

i am not dead.
but i am as dead as one can be,
whilst they breath.

marie, please don't pity the living
that does not really live at all.
we don't deserve any kind of sympathy.

☆

long 'poem', it's supposed to be a kind of war love letter. desperate. a person writes their loved one how the war is. or something like that.
between lines (or in this case, between the brackets) the writer says something more. which is slightly more desperate/disturbing/honest then the "actual" letter/poem.

dedicated to mariemidnight , thank you for your support. i thought i'd dedicate this one to you, because your name is marie, the 'letter' adressed to the person is called marie and my name is also marie (kim-marie to be exact, but still...)! so yay. 

this is honestly one of the longest poems i've ever written and i'm not even sure what exactly it is? it's quite experimental since i wanted to try something new...