Yours Truly

November 26, 1995

Dear Higher Power in the Universe,

What the flipp'in noodle snap!

Since when did puberty decide to slap me in the face with lightening and give me a chiseled chin?!

Okay, listen mysterious force! I know that puberty was supposed to come, but not with fiery bolts of zip and zappiness! Like, what the heck?!

I was just minding my own business trying to wash my face at the bathroom sink when I said, "Shazam." I was just thinking about my crazy wizard dream and the word just slipped out. I even whispered it!

All I know is that I said it and then lightening came through the ceiling and hit me! I got hit by lightening! I was surprised when I didn't die when it got me, but then I looked up in the mirror and you know what I saw?! A giant muscle guy in a red leotard! He had black hair and looked like me kinda sorta.

I screamed, but the only sound I could hear was a low scream coming from the muscle guy's face. My only other reaction was to punch the stranger, but the reflection did the same thing and so a huge fist slammed into the mirror and shattered it to bits.

I heard footsteps and so I screamed for Uncle, but again the mirror man screamed at the same time.

We both stared at each other and I said some words and he said them at the same time. And Universe, you made me look like a fool, okay?! Because that's when I realized that I must have been the muscle guy and I just broke a mirror because I was stupid enough to think there was another person around. I didn't know how it was possible, but the wizard guy must have been telling the truth and so now I'm stuck with being a grown dude.

And that's when things got even worse, because Universe you have a very screwed up sense of humor! You had to make Uncle come into the bathroom, didn't you?

His eyes got wide and he froze.

"Uncle, I can explain!" My voice was low and loud.

He just got all protective. "Where's Billy?" He said.

"It's me, Uncle! I'm Billy!"

But of course he didn't believe me.

And he ran to the phone and started to call 9-1-1.

I ran after him, but I forgot to duck because I wasn't used to being so tall, and so my face smacked into the door frame and a head size hole was made and splintery wood pieces went flying! I tripped too and then I fell onto the floor.

My arm went through it.

I hate you Universe!

I pulled my arm out and a piece of our floor came with it. So now floor board was stuck to me.

"Uncle! It's me! I promise."

He came back with a baseball bat.

"Wait, don't hit me!" I braced myself for his swing. My mind went crazy until I spit out more random words because I didn't know what else to do. 

"Tiggers and funky fidget dungle doik! Shazam!"

The lightening came again.

Another whole was made in the ceiling.

And Uncle almost got fried like my favorite crispy egg.

But I was normal again.

And Uncle stopped swinging. 

He said the 'F' word.

And I wish I could say the same thing to you Universe! Because now we have two holes in the ceiling, one in the floor, a broken mirror, and we need a new doorframe.

I hate you Universe.

With a strong tingly passion.

Billy out.