Simplicity, Sin, Depression...and everything else.

All The World's Agony

       It feels like knives. Cold uncaring knives searing hatred into my flesh. And there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do except sit in my restraints and let the hatred continue to leave its mark. That is all I deserve in this moment. Because my life has come to this point where I do these things and cannot provide remedy for the consequences that surface after their completion.

      So far the only friends I have come to know are the demons wrecking my brain and the sting and smoke from cigarettes and alcohol to chase them away. Though they only numb the world for a brief instance, clearing the air of pesky worries long enough to see that I'm still saturated in it. And the hole I'm buried in isn't getting any less bleak, its shadows still cloud my vision with their impenetrable agony. But the loneliness searing my heart is the least agonizing of my plagues, flitting about my vision like a relentless mosquito. 

This was only the start of her haunting. And from then on, it would only get worse.

      Work slowly consumed me, taking up all my available time and energy and spiritual being. Honestly, it would turn out a far better distraction than her conscious scraping like nails on my chalkboard brain. Though she lies in the cemetery her spirit lies restless in my conscious. Failing to cross any other path but mine. 

She always said she would never leave me. 

I blinked, staring at the empty spot on my desk where my paperwork was. At least I got all my work done. I looked up and saw Rude staring at me a bit concerned. I don't know how long I had spaced out for, but judging by the pile of coffee cups overflowing from his trash can it had probably been a while.

"Reno?"

I held back a yelp before I turned to Rude, adjusting my goggles. "Whassup Rudy?"

Rude rolled his eyes at my nickname for him and set his pen down on top of his paperwork. "something's wrong I take it?"

I scoffed, sliding a stray hair behind my ear. "Nah, everything's good."

Rude sighed a bit and pushed his glasses up once more. "That sounds like a pile of pretentious bullshit to me."

I picked up my pen and tried to resume my paperwork. "Ah, but it isn't, dearest partner."

Rude looked up  when he noticed my hand start to twitch. "Your break's coming up soon isn't it?"

I ran a hand through my hair, doing my best to keep my cool. "Really?"

Rude arched an eyebrow at the increase in eagerness within my tone of voice. "Yep."

I let my leg bounce slightly, fiddling with the lighter in my pocket. "I hadn't even noticed."

Rude leaned on his elbows on his desk. "If I hadn't been talking you would've been halfway down the stairs by now, cigarette already lit."

I leaned back in my chair, propping my feet up on the edge of my desk. "True, all too true."

Rude got up to stretch for a bit, walking by my desk on the way out the door. "Come on, its not going to go away any time soon."

I hunched my shoulders, figuring I might as well while I followed Rude up the stairs to the roof. "When did you start?"

Rude sat on a ledge closest to me, taking the offered cigarette out of my fingertips. "Bout a couple years before you did."

I made an 'ah okay' noise, sighing a bit when the nicotine started to flow through my veins. "Oh yeah, forgot that."

Rude blew smoke in the air, adjusting his sunglasses. "So tell me, what's wrong?"

I heaved a heavy sigh, taking another deep drag off my cigarette. "Its been fucking hard since she died."

Rude let out a solemn sigh, flicking some ash off the roof. "I can tell. Have you started drinking again?"

I shook my head, coughing on a bit of nicotine burning my throat. "Nah man."

Rude turned to me, crossing his legs while he leaned on one hand. "Sounds like bullshit again."

I had to sigh again. "I know."

Rude frowned minutely. "How much?"

I took another drag. "Couple bottles."

Rude's eyes were gonna bug out of his sunglasses. "A day?"

I let my head drop, seeing the smoke cloud my goggle lenses.

Rude held his breath for a moment, trying to keep his cool though I knew he really wanted to yell right now. "How long?"

I arched an eyebrow.

Rude clenched his jaw briefly. "How long have you been drinking and you didn't tell me? Or anyone for that matter?"

I had to refrain from punching the column I was leaning on so I could respond. "Its been fine."

Rude let out a growl. "Dammit Reno how long!?"

I had to flinch a bit. "A couple months."

Rude looked like he was about to throw me off the roof. I knew this was hitting a sore spot with him. "A couple months! Reno why hadn't you said anything?"

That's it. I let a few strangled sobs escape my lips. "Because I didn't want to admit to myself that I was failing to keep the promise I made to her!"

Rude fell silent; he knew I was getting pissed off pretty quickly.

"I didn't want to admit I was failing, because I didn't want to have anyone feeling bad for me! I didn't want anyone's pity, and I still don't!" 

I shoved my head in my hands and tried to hold in my sobs. "But now I just can't do this anymore..."

Rude was quick to wrap me in a hug, something I wasn't expecting but welcomed greatly. "I know you don't want to, but I know for a fact you wouldn't just stop because you couldn't..."

I sat a little stunned in Rude's arms while he resumed speaking.

"I know its been hard since Amil died, and I know its ripping you to shreds inside because I know how much you loved her. But that doesn't mean you keep tormenting yourself like this." Rude's grip on me tightened ever so slightly.

"You may think you have nothing left on this earth, but you have people who care, you have a family here, with us..."

       I blinked out of surprise feeling tears drip onto my head. I reached up and kissed him softly, surprising myself as much as I did Rude. His breath hitched in his throat, but he kissed back with no hesitation. There was an awkward silence after we pulled away, but was quickly filled with accepting warmth when we realized we both felt the same. Then a hearty chuckle, surprisingly not from me.

Rude wiped the inside of his sunglasses, exposing his warm brown eyes for a moment before donning the glasses once more. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do this Reno."

I exhaled a happy sigh, raising an eyebrow in the same turn. "I know...but why are you laughing?"

Rude put his phone back in his pocket, gripping my hand to help me up. "Tseng's been texting us for an hour asking where we went."

I barked a laugh and followed Rude back to the stairs, slipping my cigarettes back in my pocket. "Aww come on he couldn't possibly be that--"

"RENO, RUDE! GET BACK HERE IMMEDIATELY!!"

I sighed. "Guess not..."

-end of part-