1 Year Without My Love

Day 18/365

     Day Eighteen

                  Three days until my birthday. I have invited some of my old friends. During school, I had invited you, but you um, yeah. Left the world and I know exacally why. But that's later on in the letter, but thats..soon? I have to admit, about three mouths ago, I did cut. It was short, but I wanted to be londer and deeper. But I couldn't. You know why? Because, I dont want to go too deep and i'm afraid that, to be honest, if I go deeper, I might go to far. That's one thing i'm afriad of. Plus, yeah, i'm trying to stay strong for you...I miss you so much!!! I went by your grave yard today, it's been a while so I brought you about four purple flowers. I placed them in the middle of your stone. There are so many big, bright, colorful flowers, making mine look pathtic. I sang a tone and I cried. I cried until I was out of tears. I miss you so much. I guess remembering you is alot for me. When I wen't home, I sliced my wrists. I counted them, one, two, three,four....and many more. I watched as the blood oosed all over my arm, I felt numb, no pain at all. I sat on the bathroom floor, blood around me. Just then, heather had came in, the last person I wanted to be barging in, because I know she'll freak. Her eyes had wided. I had no idea why I laughed, but then I slumped over. Heather screamed, but I didn't care. I'm broken and far from being fixed. I just need you back with me. But that's not going to happen. 

         So now what? Yeah, I did survive the cuts, which disappointed me. 

         Sigh.  

        Now Heather and my newly friends, Jakeo, Heathers friend also, won't leave my home. I guess you now can say i'm on suicidal watch now. I just want to be free, free is all. I want to be with you so badly. but, I'll have to wait. Sorry if this dirary is so long Cordell, just making up all the days I missed. God I miss you So ,So SO much. I'll never accept your gone for good....

                        I love you Cordell...I miss you....