TRUST

Chapter 8: Convoluted Judgment

I did not know why I was here.

Particularly here, in her little heavenly place. The place where I set my eyes for the first time upon her face, the very first time I felt the purpose of my beating heart, the place where I got to know her, where I fell in love with her. I sat here, cross-legged on the stone of the balcony, my body angled towards the city. A perfect quiet place, for a man who has done many things for a purpose he thought was right and might have turned out to be wrong.

The night, the cold misty night, did not help shadow the feeling within my heart. Even though all was dark, barely a glimpse of candles seen to be lit around and within the city, still the feelings and the thoughts could not be toned down. It was just always there, waiting for me, whispering to me, taunting me.

“Lexis? Why are you here at this time of night?” Her voice emerged from behind, though it did not startle. Somehow, I knew that she was going to be there, that she was coming to me. I gazed upon the city I hated so much, the city that brought me to her, and will forever be marred by the images and memories of her. I could almost vividly see and feel the moment we had at the forest space. Ironic as it was, when memory was wished to be out of sight yet it recalled so many of the unwanted things. I stayed silent, I didn’t answer her, I didn’t need to. But I guess sometimes even words could speak without my own direct command, they flow as water in the stream.

“Someone once told me that when you feel lost, look at the stars.—“ I spoke as I raised my line of sight to the skies, a place where somewhere above  Mount Olympus stood the gods. I admired the bright stars, casting light upon the world. Upon me and her. “—if you listen close enough or if you need them enough, they will reveal the answer to the doubts in your heart,” I whispered, as I tried to listen closely. To wait, to hope that somehow that story could be true, though I knew it wasn’t. I was all alone, I was always all alone. Her footsteps carried her closer, I hoped that my presence could have carried her closer, but it wasn’t just me, or at least if it was, she did not want to admit anything.

“What do you hear?” She whispered and I could as well feel the rush of her breath on the back of my neck. I could smell the sweet rose of her scent and the image of her face easily came into my mind, the image of her lips smiling, the image of her lips against mine. Love and its implications were too much. I was lost clearly, buried beneath all the feelings I have tried to entomb all these years. I tried to numb myself from all of it, thinking that it was escapable. I should have known that feelings would catch up to me.

“Silence… as if they want to be lost as if they—“ I stopped, enough has been said, weakness poorly showed. I turned my head back and my eyes met hers. I could see the warmth, the care, shining beneath those crystal brown eyes. The ones that I had admired since the first time I had  seen them. In them however, was where I lost myself. Thus, they were one of the things I must avoid.

I jumped off the balcony stone and started to walk away. Without a word, without a meaningful gaze, without a touch, for she was my poison, or actually was already to be Evander’s.

“Why are you leaving?” She asked, though in her voice she knew she shouldn’t have. Maybe her words were as involuntary as mine were, but I had to be cold. It was the best thing to do. For her and me.

“I should not be in the presence of a princess who is spoken for. I wish not to cause your husband unsettling thoughts,” I spat the words, both hurting me and her at the same time. Two birds, one stone.

Her eyes were bitter, as bitter as the taste in my mouth, as those words fluttered out.

She was married, she probably had laid with him. Ugh, the thought turned the stomach, the image of her and—no, no no. Stop this no, Alexious focus on your task then return to your Father. Just proceed as thing were meant to be . Move on with your life.