Fifty Shades of Fatherhood

Chapter 1

I returned from the doctor's office and immediately went to shower. I always felt dirty leaving the OB-Gyn's. I hoped the warm water would help ease the tension. I still was in shock I was pregnant.

Christian had mentioned he did not want kids, he told me later in our marriage he would consider it, but I think this statement was more to placate me this early in our marriage. I do not think he ever intended on having children. The thought of fatherhood terrified him. Maybe in five years time I could have convinced him he would be a great father, but accepting having a baby now I know was going to strain our relationship.

We had rushed into marriage, he had needed this level of commitment to face his demons. He just needed more time to do this and then he could move on from his doubt in his ability to be a good father. I hoped he would be reasonable about the news, but I was terrified of what Christian's response to the pregnancy would be.

I changed into a pair of comfy yoga pants and my favorite t-shirt of Christian's. Right now I wanted to be comforted by his smell and give myself the illusion that his arms were securely wrapped around me, curbing my own anxiety about motherhood.

I sat in the great room rubbing lotion with essential oils into my aching feet, wearing three-inch heels all day left my soles cramped and tight. The soothing balm helped me to relax further. After completing my foot rub, I checked the clock Christian should be home in about thirty minutes. Just enough time to make me nervous all over, any tension the shower and foot rub had dissipated came back with a vengeance. I gnawed on my fingernails trying to quell my nerves and pass the time. I felt queasy when I heard the elevator ding indicating someone had arrived. The butterflies began fluttering in my belly, and I thought I would vomit.

I sat still on the sofa in the great room pretending to read a manuscript when I heard Christian's footsteps approaching. I was so lightheaded with fear I did not think my legs would support my weight to get up and greet him. I was faking concentration on the book when he entered the great room. "There you are. Good Evening." He kissed my cheek and gave me his panty-dropping smile. I hesitantly smiled back waiting for him to sit beside me. "I have a couple of calls to make, I am closing the Armstrong Carriers contract, and I need to negotiate a few more points to finalize the deal. I have asked Mrs. Jones to have dinner ready in an hour, ok?." Without waiting for my reply, he vanished. The words, we need to talk, caught in my throat. I sighed as I heard his study door shut. Then my inner goddess chastised me for being such a coward.

My stomach clenched I was ready to face the music and now I would have to wait another hour. I was lost in thought, practicing in my mind how I was going to break the news and preparing for every possible reaction from fifty when I was startled by Christian yelling, and the sound was getting closer. At first, I thought he was upset that he was unable to bargain what he wanted with his business dealings. It took me a minute to figure out Christian was yelling at me. His fury radiated off of him as he rounded the corner entering the great room and pinning me with a death glare. I stared at his cold grey eyes with confusion. When my eyes focused on his expression, I saw hatred. There was no love, and no understanding. I was trying to figure out what I had done to cause such a strong reaction. His temper flared and he screamed unintelligible words in my face. The fury was intense and his rants made no sense. I finally was able to comprehend "What the fuck?" I looked at him even more confused and his temper had me worried for my safety. I had cowering into the couch cushion trying to determine what I had done to upset fifty. I had never seen this level of rage,he yelled curses at me while invading my personal space. When he saw the confusion on my face, he handed me the ultrasound picture.

My eyes shut in understanding, while I thought being upset was a possible reaction to the pregnancy news, I never thought he would feel hatred. He did not even demonstrate this level of hatred towards Elena. My heart shattered. This was it, a baby was truly out of the question for him. I sobbed at my heartbreak. This scenario was not exactly how I envisaged telling him; I wanted to ease into the conversation. I composed myself enough and I stared blankly in his cold eyes before a tear trickled down my face. I never thought he would turn on his love for me. I was hurt by his reaction and that I did not get to tell him my way. All I could think of to say was "You snooped thru my things?"