Fifty Shades of Fatherhood

Chapter 19

Christian arrived at the hospital with Ryan. They had been speaking in hushed tones and wore expressions of worry. When their attention finally came to me, I had glared at Ryan wondering when he had met Christian and what exactly they were discussing. Christian had refused to call Ryan after he had shown up with Teddy, I am sure he thought I had moved on. Here the two were carrying on like they were long last pals. The correspondence bothered me, and the fact that neither were making an effort to include me in their conversation infuriated me. Ryan had been my haven, and I did not like Christian invading my sense of security. Christian had not known about Ryan, I liked Ryan not knowing Christian's crazy life, and I did not want Ryan and Christian to meet.

I had been too exhausted and in too much pain to try to determine how the two had met. My ribs were especially tender. Christian asked Ryan to give us a moment, and when I nodded my head, Ryan took Teddy to get a snack from the vending machine. "Ana, we need to talk." He glanced at the ceiling and remembered that we were not afforded the luxury of privacy. He looked at me with so much emotion, trying to frame his words carefully. He wanted to say so much but did not want to broadcast what I am sure would be an emotional conversation with whoever was spying on me. He leaned in whispering in my ear "Please allow me to explain some things to you."

I squeezed his hand, and he pulled back staring deep into my eyes trying to convey his hurt for me leaving, his regret of not embracing my pregnancy with Teddy, his love for me and a million other emotions. Honestly, the pain I felt was almost unbearable reliving when he had cast Teddy and me away. He may not have embraced the pregnancy, however he was here trying, I owed it to Teddy to give Christian the benefit of the doubt that he would put effort into making things right with Teddy and I. I listened as he lay beside me telling me how sorry he was and that he never broke his vows to me. I had no energy to argue with him, and I had seen a naked submissive in his office. I recalled the night he seemed to be dressed or at least partially clothed. My mind kept chanting to give Christian the benefit of the doubt. Christian conveyed he missed me, he was sorry, and he wanted to work on our marriage and family. Our divorce never finalized.

My mind was trying to process. Christian now wanted to be apart of Teddy's life. He was adamant that he never wanted a child. I was unsure of what boundaries I should set. I struggled because as much as I tried to cast him aside, I loved him, and he was Teddy's father. It is one thing if Christian does not want to be a part of Teddy's; it is something different if I keep Teddy from his father. My emotions were swirling, and with the lack of sleep, I had attained the worst headache. I had agreed to try to work on trusting him. I convinced myself it was all for Teddy, but deep down, I knew I loved him. I left Seattle because he pushed me away, not because I did not love him.

The heavy conversation, coupled with the throbbing headache allowed me to sleep for hours, when I woke, I felt renewed. I rested better knowing Christian had a team monitoring and verifying my every visitor. I had also been moved to a new random room that Ryan, Zach, and Taylor had swept. Even though I had rested well, I wanted to go home where I was not poked and prodded every few hours. When my doctor had visited me during his rounds, I had begged to be released from the hospital. I was emotionally exhausted, having Christian back, and not knowing who to trust caused paranoia about sleeping. I questioned everyone who entered my room and their intentions. I refused all medications and IV drips and really the hospital staff was doing nothing other than rousing me every few hours to take my temperature and blood pressure. There was not much that could be done with my injuries, so it was pointless to be tethered to the hospital. I am sure this is why Christian had sent for his mother wanting to make sure there was no immediate danger with my list of injuries and to confirm my doctor's prognosis to make sure they had not missed anything. I did not speak to Grace to get her forecast, but the decision was made I was safer at the hospital then I would be at home. I was moved to a secure floor and had guards outside my room while I healed. My problem was although I should have been safer at the hospital, I did not feel that I was.