Fifty Shades of Fatherhood

Chapter 4

Christian

The first thing I did was call Flynn's cell once I slammed my office door shut. He had told me to call anytime, as much as I pay him I take him up on his offer. I just unloaded on the good doctor the moment he picked up his phone. I am not sure I even responded to his greeting. "Flynn I am losing my ever fucking mind, I need to see you. Ana missed her appointment to get her birth control shot once we returned home from our honeymoon and she found out she is pregnant. Flynn you know I can't be a father." Flynn is quiet for a moment before he finally says "My first appointment in the office is at 9:30 I am close to Escala I will come to you." "Hurry Flynn!" I say before I slam the phone down in its cradle.

Five minutes later Gail is announcing Flynn is here. Where the fuck is Taylor? I wonder before Flynn strolls in looking worried for me. "Christian," he says like he is talking to a frightened child. He even puts his hands out in surrender as he walks towards me. "Jesus, Flynn I am not four years old again. I just can't believe she was so careless to forget her appointment. Now she is going to have a fucking kid. I cannot do this Flynn." Please sit Christian. I want to point out you have already said a couple of things we should discuss; I want you to think about what you said "she has a kid not we have a kid. She did not become pregnant by herself, do you believe the child may not be yours?" I looked at him like he grew two heads, "of course the child is mine, I just made it clear to her that I did not want kids." I barked. After she continually pressured me about children, I told her I would think about it once we got settled. Quite honestly I never considered being a father I just said I would contemplate children to buy myself some time. I knew I could find something to distract her with later. I did not expect her to be careless and make a choice for us without consenting me.

"Christian why do you not want to be a father? You love Ana so deeply anyone can see it, and the baby is a product of the union and deep connection." Besides Ana, Flynn is the only person I have confided in the horrific details of my childhood. I do not ever want my child to have those struggles. As I tried to convey this to the good doctor, I felt patronized as he tried to explain back that my birth parents made plenty of mistakes and even though they made the wrong decisions I have a choice as to what kind of father I want to be. I fundamentally understood the sentiment but also realized we are all products of our environment and my former years were horrendous. Left to fend for myself at the age of 4, often with no food in the house, all while my mother was bringing home tricks. I often heard these men physically, mentally and sexually abuse her and if I got in the way these things happened to me. I was only 4, but at some level, I understood what was happening was not normal, I hid on my own accord when these men came to the house.

Growing up having to look out for myself taught me to be selfish, I vowed once I had the ability I would create a stable home, I had seen enough TV shows that I knew life could be better. I made this promise to myself at a very early age. Along the way, I crushed anyone who stepped in my path; I had no idea how to take care of someone else. Flynn gave me some psychobabble about risking lives and sparing no expense to get food and supplies to starving children around the world, and about the charities I supported that provide resources for those in need.

He mentioned he knew I gave anonymous gifts to employees I knew are struggling and how he knew I would be a nurturing father because I had a rough start, it would make me determined to succeed. I sat here for the last hour listening to Flynn as he kept babbling shit like this. He almost had me believing for a minute that I could do this fatherhood thing then reality kicked in.

I invested nothing personal to these individuals. Yes, I gave money and supported the cause, but not once had I ever said I wanted to know the difference I made in these kids lives. I never once asked the struggles and how my resources impacted those who benefited. I gave money or supplies pretending that solved the problem, nothing additional needed from me. I know from my healing process this is not true. Although a warm meal and clothing may be essentials, there are still emotional scars that need healing. I never once addressed these, hoping the money and supplies were enough. I always knew they were not, with my child I would not be able to walk away from this last piece, and that is what scared me. If all I had to do is keep the kid in clean clothes and fed, I would be golden, but I knew there was so much more I needed to do but I did not know how to do. Since I never healed that part of me, there was no way I could give that level of nurturing love to someone else.

After Flynn left, I sat on my couch for an additional 30 minutes realizing that I was incapable of being a father to Ana's child. Flynn made sure I was paying attention to give me some homework to write down the pros and cons of being a father, and how a baby will affect my relationship with Ana. I jotted down some notes, but I already knew the answer before I walked him to the elevator. I am not sure he helped at all, and I am irritated that he thinks I will be a loving father even though he knows all my baggage. I feel like he tried to talk me into liking the idea.

I did not mention Elena to Flynn and that I went to her. I should have, but I know he would be disappointed. Hell, I am disappointed, and I was not ready to work through what that derailment meant. I did not call her, but when I walked into that bar and seen her sitting there, I should have quietly left and found another bar. I sat at the other end of the bar and once she noticed me she took the stool next to me. I tried to push her away at first, but I drank so much too quickly that I lost all inhibitions and began answering all her questions. I even remember answering some pretty intimate questions about our sex life. I had enough problems without inviting Elena back into my life. I thought she had taken the hint after my birthday party. When I asked Ana to marry me I severed the relationship with her. I ended the relationship because Ana had finally made me realize how wrong my teenage affair was. I loved Ana more than anything, and it was time to cut her loose. Although Ana wanted Elena in jail, she was happy with just removing Elena from our lives.

I curse myself as I dial Elena's number.

"Hello Darling, I knew you would come to your senses." she sings as she picks up. "Look, I do not know what you think you know about was is happening between Ana and me, but I want you to know it is none of your business and you have no right to spew your lies to Ana. I am warning you, Elena, do not defy me again or you will be sorry we ever met." "Oh Christian, I am not sure what I did to upset you. All I did was drive you home the other night because you were so wasted, you said you wanted to end things with that whore of a wife of yours and asked me to wait while you grabbed some things you needed. I was going to take you to Linc's cabin on the lake, so you could unwind and find yourself. I got worried when you took so long returning, you had changed the code to the penthouse, and you were not answering your phone. I was worried about you."

"Don't worry about me, don't come near us and leave my wife alone. If need be, I will file a restraining order." "Christian that whore is pregnant you know you do not have what it takes to be a good father, you never had a good role model, you never wanted that, you are so busy building your empire you do not have time for a silly family." "Let me worry about me and stay the fuck away from Ana and I." I slam the phone down.

Flynn had given me hope that maybe a family was possible but Elena hit below the belt. I wonder if she had influenced my decisions about family these past several years. She had always tried to manipulate me into her dream man rich, successful and powerful. She never wanted a family. I was deep in thought trying to decide what I wanted and what Elena had always wanted for me when my phone rang. When I looked down to see Ray's name, I swore some more profanities before answering.

"Grey"

"Why is my daughter staying in a hotel with perpetual tears marring her beautiful face wondering why after less than three months of marriage her husband is abandoning her because she is pregnant?"

I sighed not sure how to answer "Ray we are going through some things right now, and I need time to process."

"My daughter needs you, she is scared out of her mind, and she thinks she may need to do this pregnancy alone. You begged me to trust that you would take care of her only a few months ago and when faced with the first obstacle in your marriage you kick her out on the street? Your lucky your security team has better sense than you do because had she not been taken to a hotel by your security team, and I had found her on the street my fist would be meeting your face right now instead of this courtesy call. I am not sure what shit you need to figure out since everyone knew you were sexually active with my daughter, and I am sure I do not need to have the birds and the bees conversation with you. So how you did not know a baby was a possibility is beyond me. Sending Ana a check every month does not make you a father. I know her well enough to tell you she will not abort this baby and she will give you a very short window to come to your senses, or she will make the decision for you. I suggest you figure out how to make this right for my daughter Christian." I am about to respond but the line goes dead.