Fifty Shades of Fatherhood

Chapter 14

****Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. Life has been hectic, sorry for the delay in updating. I work for a private equity-backed organization that is in merger and acquisition mode. We closed on a new asset in December and have three more deals pending. I lead a due diligence team and post-integration team, I hope life slows down and I can get back to writing more soon.****

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I never imagined how hard it would be to hop on a train and move halfway cross country with no belongings, or friends. Starting over is tough. I am a minimalist, so the lack of material things did not bother me, but I felt emotionally lost without Christian.

Although Christian and I had not been together long our love was all-consuming. Adjusting from intense passion to nothing was difficult. I tried to keep my mind occupied so that I would not fall into a deep depression. I loved Christian, but would not be his doormat or force him to be a father.

Before meeting Christian no man had piqued my interest, but I felt such a deep connection to him. I had never dated anyone, I had accepted dinner invitations with two guys in college, but no romance ever came of it not even a kiss. Being inexperienced I did not catch on to Christian's character flaws such as aversion to children, his possessiveness and his need for control; but even after the warnings from Kate my soul was drawn to him. After being gone for months, the separation has done nothing to relieve the ache in my heart.

I have become paranoid and far more in tune with my surroundings than I used to be. I am not sure if my fear was rational or irrational, but it was there. I had a creepy feeling that I was always being watched. I knew Christian would constantly wonder what happened to the baby and me and if I was okay if I had enough money. Even if he would never lay a finger on me again, his innate need to provide for would kick in. I had found evidence of this when Leila Williams, Christians ex-lover had broken into his apartment. Christian had no interest in her but paid for her therapy and hospital stay. I know he kept tabs on many people as Welch was constantly updating him. I just wished I had paid attention so I could figure out what information intrigued Christian the most.

I, however, did not want to be another person that Christian would stalk and did not want him to analyze my life. He could either be a part of my life or I would leave him in the dark. I felt like this was an invasion of my privacy, and I was not going to make it easy for Christian. Christian was a control freak, and although he made it clear he did not want children or me to be by his side, that does not mean he would not meddle in my life. He cannot help himself. I imagined he interfered in many individuals business, but they had no idea behind the scene that Christian was pulling strings and what these individuals thought was a misfortune or luck was Christian manipulating outcomes. I had been so carefree, but my constant fear that Christian would find me had me constantly looking over my shoulder, and because of this I began to notice people's behaviors I had never observed before.

Christian had always thought all my men acquaintances were in love with me. Although I had disagreed and thought Christian had over exaggerated at the time, I was now hyper-aware of the number of men flirting with me. My frame was so small that I could not hide the fact I was pregnant yet oddly this did not seem to be a deterrent. I had no interest in another relationship I wanted to focus on me and building a stable life for the child I was carrying.

I struggled to build a business from the ground up. I am not sure it was my nature to be an entrepreneur, but given my circumstances, I could not risk using my social security number as a W2 employee creating a paper trail and leading Christian's team to my doorstep. I was thankful I had that nest egg to help bridge the weeks when I did not have any income.