Unfortunate Love (Klaus Baudelaire fanfiction/ ASOUE)

Brazilian Waxed Turtles

"Monty's back" Klaus said relieved. "He'll see right through Stephano's disguise...wont he" Violet asked the three unsure. I looked at the Count Olaf and Monty talking outside through the thin glass wall of the reptile room. Worry and fear spreading through me. I wasn't scared of my father it was anything but that but I was scared of what he would do to the Baudelaires. Though the short time I've been with them I've begun to care for them tremendously. the worry I felt only grew as I saw Olaf and Monty talk and come inside the house. I looked at Klaus and we shared a look of uncertainty before we talked towards the door and huddled around it. "Baudelaires? Eleanor?" I heard someone shout from the other side of the door. "Is that you Dr. Montgomery?" Klaus said making sure. "Yes uh let me just unlock all these important security measures and I'll join you in the reptile room" Monty yelled from the other side of the door. Many weird noises coming from Montys side of the door making the Baudelaires and me back up. I stared at the door in complete confusion wondering why Monty was making all those noises. "I am so sorry Baudelaires, Eleanor, that you were frightened by that man who arrived earlier. Um it makes sense that you were alarmed being that he chased you up and down the stairs with a knife" Montgomery said rather loudly making me even more confused then I already was. Why was he talking so loudly, and then it was like a lightbulb went off in my head and I realized why. "But there's nothing to fear" Monty continued. "He is my new assistant, Stephano. I have seen his papers and everything is in order. So you see there's nothing to be worried about" Monty said making faces as he kept looking behind him to see if Count Olaf was there. "Oh yes. I see now" Violet chimed in unsure. "How silly we were to be afraid" Klaus added. "Precisely Baudelaires! Uh Stephano has explained to me that he has a very strict fitness regimen where he has to run up and down the stairs brandishing a knife at least three times a day. So that makes perfect sense" Monty said making a coco sign while talking making me scoff. Is that seriously the best excuse the old man could come up with. The Baudelaires and I looked at each other before back at their uncle. "I might join him on that exercise regimen" Violet said making Monty try to hold in a laugh, and complement her on her comment. "So now that is cleared up, would you mind helping me bring things in from my truck" Monty said leading us outside away from prying ears. "Now I got all my shopping done and I even brought takeout for dinner. There should even be enough for Stephano. Now we don't have much time before the movie, so help me take this canoe" Our new Gaurdian said. We helped him take down the canoe from his car, the boat covering our heads. "Here we go, I'm so sorry Baudelaires, Mini Olaf. I had no idea that our enemies would catch up to us so quickly. It's clear now that I can't turn my back for a second" Dr. Montgomery whispered. "So you recognize him" I asked him, wanting to make sure that he could see through the disguise. "Of course I recognized him. I'm not some half witted banker or some member of a high court. Who's so starstuck that I cant see what right in front of me. He can wear as many lab coats as he wants and present me with as many ridiculous papers as he wants. He's no more a lab assistant than I'm a three mouthed Brazilian Waxed Turtle" Monty said quietly. "So what are we going to do. Call the authorities" Klaus asked wanting to get rid of Father as quick as possible. And I couldn't help but agree more. "What does h-a spell" The Reptile specialist asked. "HA" Sunny said. "You think when I was climbing Mount Felix searching for the goat eating cobra, that I called the authorities? No. If we call the police or Mr. Poe of the official fire department that so called lab assistant will have us in his clutches before they can darken my doorstep. And we all know Stephano does not work alone" Monty finished and placed the canoe above us down on the ground. He walked to the back of his car and opened the trunk. "We must keep an eye on Stephano, he will join us for dinner and then we'll invite him to the movies tonight. A man that dastardly must be watched like a hawk" Monty said while giving us the take out. "That's all we're gonna do? Keep an eye on him" Violet asked not exactly pleased by the plan. But then again who would be. "For now children, well be watchful and wary. Which is a word that around here means means very careful" Dr. Montgomery Montgomery replied to Violet's question. "We know what wary means" Klaus stated. "Good...Because we can't afford to turn our backs. Not even for a second" Monty said as we picked up the canoe and began to head back inside. He started saying something else when suddenly something landed on his head, causing him to fall to the ground and glass to fall everywhere. I couldn't help but gasp out in shock, not expecting that at all. We all ran to him. "Are you all right" I asked while the Baudelaires called out his name. "So sorry. I seem to have been very careless with the heavy glass reading lamp. That was in my bedroom, that fell out right when you were walking under it" Father said with a shrug. "Uh yeah. Totally understandable. It...It happens all the time" Monty said while getting back up. Was it really understandable...like....really. No it wasn't. "Sorry about that" Count Olaf said closing the window of his room. "No harm done. I know the layout of that room, as well as I know the bone structure of the osteoporosis lizard. And there is no way that that lamp was near that window" Montgomery said. "Of course not" Violet said. "He was trying to kill you" I said. "Dr. Montgomery I really think we ought to contact the authorities" Klaus said going back to his original idea, and I nodded in agreement. Monty looked back at Fathers room and then looked at us thinking. "Look Baudelaires, Eleanor. I may be a world renowned herpetologist. But I also minored in criminology. I know what I'm doing" Monty included making me sigh, as I headed back into the house.

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"Now let's eat quickly everyone. We don't want to be late to the movies" Monty said. We all sat at the table in the reptile room. Monty was at the head of the table. Klaus Violet and Sunny sat on his left. I sat across Klaus and Father sat across Violet. "I don't think I'll be joining tonight, I thought I'd stay in and read up on poisonous venoms" Father said causing me to stop eating for a second and almost choke on my food. "Well Stephano you must join us. We have to celebrate your arrival" Monty said. "In all honesty I prefer long form television to the movies. Its so much more convenient to consume entertainment from the comfort of your own home" Olaf said rejecting the offer. "Hm well I insist you come" Monty pushed not taking no for an answer. "I insist upon staying here"'Olaf said, his face turning sour. "Well I insisted first" Monty said. "Well I insisted louder" Olaf said and I flinched at his annoying voice. "Well...with all do respect I feel a little uncomfortable leaving my reptiles alone with a relative stranger" Monty said somewhat truthfully. "Fine. But I would like to make a brief phone call before we leave" Father said not happy at all causing me to smirk. "Of course, the phone is in the parlor" Monty agreed. "Could you please pass the pot stickers" Violet asked. I reached out to give them to her but before I could even touch the bowl, Father grabbed it and began shoving them all in his mouth. "They're all gone" He said a mouthful of food causing us to all stare at him. "You hog" I mummered scowling at him. Father glared at me and kicked me underneath the table causing me to jump. I kicked him back even harder causing him to whine out in pain. He quickly left the table after that to probably make his phone call.