Poems of Depression

If Only...

They say I'm lazy

Just a waste of space

I just "don't want to concentrate"

But the truth is...

I am not in control

And the worst part is...

I don't know who or what has a hold

"Fake it 'til you make it" they say

"It's not all that bad"

But if they felt this way, they would understand

I'm done being fake, lying to others and myself

Because I shouldn't have to change, I shouldn't be fake

I should be free, to cry lakes and lakes

I just can't get over this

I don't do it on purpose

But then again they don't know, I am not above the surface...

I know people have it worse, really I do

But what does it matter...

Because, what they are being told, do you have a clue?

If you really think I'm lazy, if you really think I'm just daydreaming...

Tell me what is it like, to have knife and neck leaning together, while fighting life

You tell me what it's like, to slit your wrists since age six

You tell me what it's like, to slit your throat and age seven, waiting begging, hurting, yelling

You tell me what it's like, to hang a rope around your neck at age nine, praying that you will fly

You tell me what it's like, to try again at age eleven , slit your throat but not deep enough to croak

But only...

You can't

And if only you could...

If only you've been what I've been through

If only you knew...

How broken am I

And if only you knew...

My past is as dark as coal...

And I am but a troubled...tortured soul...