Bittersweet Memories

Epilogue

Dear Dad,

It has been nearly fifteen months since you died and I still think about you every day.

I'm writing to let you know that everything here is fine.

You'll be pleased to hear Astrid and I were knot-tied two months ago. Having had so many delays, we decided we didn't want to wait any longer. It goes without saying that she looked stunning and it surprises me to this day that she's now my wife. I am a very lucky man.

Everyone we know from Caldera Cay, Berserker Island and Outcast Island came to the ceremony. It was a very emotional day and I found it very hard you not being there. I could tell mum missed you too though she tried not to show it. I suppose she didn't want to spoil our big day.

I have some other exciting news. Astrid and I are trying for a baby. We haven't told anyone yet. Not even mum. We want to wait until we know everything is fine but hopefully, with any luck, I'll be a father before the year is out and you'll be a grandpa.

Mum has also moved out. She seems to have settled in her new place we had built for her. She assures me she's doing fine though I do like to check on her regularly to make sure. Astrid says I worry too much. Maybe she's right, but she's my mother so I like to all the same.

I'm sorry, Dad, but I do have one confession to make. A few months ago I had an accident. I'm okay now, but at the time it meant I temporarily lost my memory. I didn't know who I was for a while and I was unable to run Berk. Mum had to take on the role of chief in my stead with Gobber assisting her. I still feel awful for all the repercussions of my actions affected everyone else. But with Astrid's undying love and support I was able to recover eventually. She is amazing. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Though most of my memory is back now, I still cannot recall the period I was chief, running the village. Those six months remain a blank. The last memory I have, before waking in the healing centre at Caldera Cay, was being blessed as Chief of Berk by Gothi on the day you died. Anything in-between seems to have been wiped out completely and I don't think I'll ever recover that.

You'll be pleased to know I am now Chief of Berk again. That's what you wanted for me. I took back the role a week after the wedding. I have assured Astrid I am not going to push myself as hard as before and I intend to keep that promise. I don't want to worry her, not if she's going to be the mother of my child one day.

According to her, I wasn't looking after myself very well and was making myself ill. She had been really worried for me and because I don't want to do that to her again I'm going to do my best not to repeat the same mistakes. I've promised to finish work at a sensible time every day and make sure we share a meal together. I'm also taking one day off a week to spend with her. Mum fills in for me then so we don't get disturbed.

I'm sorry, Dad but despite all the support around me it still hasn't been easy. I'm still struggling to deal with being chief. I'm always apprehensive, wondering whether you would approve of my actions and decisions. Astrid says I'm doing fine but I wish you were here to give me your guidance.

I think about you every day, Dad. I miss you terribly. I still have nightmares about your death. I used to have them every night but slowly they're becoming less frequent. I think I only had two last week. When I have one, I call out in my sleep and wake Astrid up. I wish they would stop. Hopefully they will one day.

When things get too much I still struggle to open up, even to Astrid. Sometimes I just cannot get my words out even if I want to and I can feel completely confined by my anguish, not being able to find a way out. But Astrid has been a great support. She is my rock. It was her that suggested I wrote everything down in a letter to you. She thought it would help me to write some of my emotions on paper, hence the letter.

Dad, I'm sorry. Trying to put into words how I feel cannot begin to explain the feelings I have inside me. I still feel tormented by my actions and the decisions I made for what happened to you. Astrid says it's not my fault but though I do my best to believe her, I'm still struggling to. I'm so sorry, Dad. If it wasn't for me chasing after Drago that day none of this would have ever happened and you'd still be with us. Because of me, I found one parent but lost another. We'll never be a family. I'm so, so sorry.

I think I hear Astrid calling me down for dinner now. I'd better go.

I love you, Dad. Words cannot begin to describe how much I miss you!

Until we meet again in Valhalla,

Your loving son. Always,

Hiccup