Complications

Chapter20:

FINALLY UPDATED!

"Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of their neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without. Babies are soft. Anyone looking at them can see the tender, fragile skin and know it for the rose-leaf softness that invites a finger's touch. But when you live with them and love them, you feel the softness going inward, the round-cheeked flesh wobbly as custard, the boneless splay of the tiny hands. Their joints are melted rubber, and even when you kiss them hard, in the passion of loving their existence, your lips sink down and seem never to find bone. Holding them against you, they melt and mold, as though they might at any moment flow back into your body.

But from the very start, there is that small streak of steel within each child. That thing that says "I am," and forms the core of personality.

In the second year, the bone hardens and the child stands upright, skull wide and solid, a helmet protecting the softness within. And "I am" grows, too. Looking at them, you can almost see it, sturdy as heartwood, glowing through the translucent flesh.

The bones of the face emerge at six, and the soul within is fixed at seven. The process of encapsulation goes on, to reach its peak in the glossy shell of adolescence, when all softness then is hidden under the nacreous layers of the multiple new personalities that teenagers try on to guard themselves.

In the next years, the hardening spreads from the center, as one finds and fixes the facets of the soul, until "I am" is set, delicate and detailed as an insect in amber."( "...." Quotes I didn't write)

(Starting from here, I wrote on my own) As a mother I wanted to be present for every precious every moment that was Lexie, every frown and grin and hiccup I was there. as a mother you don't want to lose or miss out on those small moments that end up being an important milestone in their life. A moment that molds them into the person they'll be forever.

I use to believe that a mother who did not find those moments joyous were no mother at all. my mother was no mother she was nothing but a surrogate. bore me till birth then left me to a man who was my sole companion and no it was not my father, or sperm donor as I often refer to him. but with the man she ended up spending most her life with. Richard. he was my companion, my guardian, my protector. a mother is based on attitude not genetic material.

So how hypocritical of me to not have been there to hold my baby when she first cried. or her first diaper change. or her first day of pre-school. or even her first period. I am no mother. how can I expect her to welcome me with open arms and a warm greeting. I can't. It is simply ridiculous that even though I've never met my daughter, let alone held her, that I still whole-heartedly love her with all my soul every fiber of my being.

But that still doesn't change the fact that I, Meredith Grey am no mother to Calliope Riley Grey-Shepherd. I am no mother. I am just like Ellis Grey. A surrogate.

Derek noticed Meredith's internal battle. How she fidgeted with her fingers, that had grown long during her slumber. Or how she tugged at her now mid-back length hair intending to find comfort in her pain. He knew that coming home wouldn't be easy nor getting back into the hang of her old life. what he didn't understand was that somehow he knew this wasn't a simple 'how do I get my life' battle- not that that was simple, but it was deeper than that and for the life of him he couldn't figure out why.

"Mer...." he whispered so low that he wasn't sure she heard, but she did. she had been so hyper aware of her surrounding she almost heard his heartbeat. she looked shocked that he called her, almost scared. scared that he'd tell her that Callie needed time to adjust to her so-called mother. scared that he'd say Lexie and mark forgot about her. but most of all scared that he'd forgotten about her. about their love.