I didn't die yet
For these words flow like a river
In the state of where ever
Causing my heart to break
Remembering the emotional trauma I went through
Day after day
Hearing those same sayings all the time
"It'll be okay" he said
"Think positive things" she said
"You're strong" they all said
I was picked for this certain kind of addiction
An addiction to being not sad but depressed
To the point when I was happy
I questioned why until I was depressed again
Feeling this numb pain for what seems forever
Contemplating if my life was even worth it
Because if these people can treat me so easily like garbage
Then I must be trash, right?
I didn't die yet
They didn't seem to care
When all I could do was slam this blade across my thin skin
Wanting to bleed
Wanting to feel something other than nothing
I cried on the daily
Not ever knowing why
Seeing the happy faces all around
Drove me absolutely mad
Leaving me thinking about fucking rope tied around my neck like a necklace
Fitting so perfectly like it was destiny
Showing that I was to be hung like Christmas decorations
Finally shining so bright with my arms so fucked up they were the perfect shade of red
I didn't die yet
Because I thought I could destroy this kid
Who claimed they loved me
When so obviously didn't
It was pretty clear when all they did was make me feel disgusting for things I did and the things I said about myself
Saying I could only be kept alive for their sanity
But when my arms and legs have had enough
And sleep is no longer in my vocabulary
I had given up
I had given up everything
For I could not live this terrible thing that was claimed to be "life"
I was so scared to do it though
Trust me it was horrifying
When no one texted back
I felt my soul leave my body and I was no longer in control
And the next time I opened my eyes
I saw I held a pill bottle in my left
With several pills in my right
I didn't die yet
I looked up and saw myself in the mirror
Seeing my eyelashes were wet
And my cheeks had a red stripe all the way down to my neck
My hair was messed up
I looked like an absolute mess
Seeing nothing but a failure
Imagining how I would never make it
I'd never be successful
I could never prove people wrong by doing this
Nobody would see me grow to stand so tall
I didn't seem short anymore
So I put the pills back
Walked back to my room
And slept
Like I hadn't in a week
I didn't die yet
