[10] - Disorientation

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by fxckthat

by fxckthat

Zayn falls backwards against his door, sliding down it, feeling the rough grooves against his fragile back. Normally, something like that is irritating and even hurts a bit, but to Zayn, nothing could hurt him more than the realization that Mrs. Layanette is gone. It was confusing to Zayn. He almost believed it was some cruel prank and that any minute he’ll hear a knock on his door that doesn’t belong to Liam, but to Mrs. Layanette saying she’s sorry. But that isn’t the case. There won’t be any knocks that belong to her. They’ll only belong to Liam, and maybe his mother and father, but he doesn’t care about them right now. Zayn only cares for Mrs. Layanette, who he thought cared for him too. But obviously he was mistaken.

“Mrs. Layanette isn’t able to be with us anymore. She was recently released from her position. She just couldn’t handle the emotions anymore. I’m your new social worker, Mrs. Garrett.”

Mrs. Garrett’s voice keeps replaying in his mind, and it is a voice he has already learned to despise. It isn’t right. It doesn’t fit. Everything about Mrs. Garrett is absolutely wrong. How dare she stand where she stood? Zayn keeps thinking to himself. Nothing could possibly make this right.

“Zayn.” He hears Liam’s voice coming from the other side of the door, “Let me in. What’s the matter?” Zayn fights the urge to scream back to Liam, though, he really wants to. Losing Mrs. Layanette, someone Zayn thought he would happily have his entire life, makes him see the cold truth of it all. How does Zayn know Liam and his family won’t send him back? How can he possibly trust them when the one person Zayn embedded all his trust into just left without saying goodbye?

“Zayn, I don’t understand what’s going on.” Liam’s voice tries to conceal Zayn, but nothing works. Nothing will ever work. Of course you don’t understand, and you never will. You will never fucking understand me, my life, and the endless pain and betrayal I go through day by day! Zayn is about to erupt and unleash all his frustration on Liam, who is the innocent one in all of this. But then again, who could really tell? Zayn used to think Mrs. Layanette was a sweet, innocent lady, but truth be told, she wasn’t at all.

Zayn slowly stands, completely shutting out Liam who stays behind the door, trying to talk to Zayn. On his bed, Zayn looks out his window to where just last night he saw the fireworks he loved so much. A small smile creeps on his lips, but he quickly erases it as fireworks remind him on Mrs. Layanette. Everything reminds him of Mrs. Layanette, and he hates it. He smacks the palms of his hands against his bed sheets and rolls his hands into fists, grabbing his bed sheets as he does so.

He clenches his hands, and then unclenches them. Zayn does this a few more times as a method to calm himself down, but it doesn’t work. He starts to lose all hope. Will he stay this angry forever? Just when he was seeing his bright side – the light at the end of his tunnel, his tunnel collapsed and that light was no longer there. Looking down to his pillow, Zayn notices his vision going blurry once again. Fuck these tears. Zayn thought to himself. He sits there, with his hand fisting the bed sheets and his tears dampening his white pillow. Why was this his life? All this internal pain, why was it his karma? What did he ever do to deserve this?

Should I draw? Should I sketch something? Zayn lets out a sigh and reaches for his sketchpad, turning to a blank new page. With his thickest, and darkest, sketching pencil, he starts tracing circles all over his page, but he’s still crying, and as his tears fall onto his page, they mix with the thick black lines, making them run slightly. As hard as Zayn tries to fight his crying, he can’t win. Feeling angrier, he stops drawing his perfect, yet imperfect circles and soils his page with scribbles that soon cover the entire page in a blackened disaster.

Looking at the mess on his page, and his newly dulled pencil, Zayn bites his lip, turns over onto his shoulder, and closes his eyes. Maybe this is just another stupid nightmare? Zayn wishes as he forces himself to sleep the pain away. He wants to wake up in a new reality where people didn’t suck, they didn’t break trust, and they didn’t break hearts. Zayn just wants to wake up to still having Mrs. Layanette in his life. But that’ll never happen.

“Zayn,” Zayn hears a voice as he opens his eyes. The bright blue mid morning sky had dulled out and is now much darker and much more gray, “Dinner’s ready if you want to eat.” Zayn sits up in his bed and contemplates whether or not he’s hungry enough to eat with the Payne’s. His eyes trace the outline of his bedroom door when he hears his stomach growl – yes, he needs food. He stands still in front of his door, unlocks it, and pushes it open. Zayn is looking down to his feet and he can see the feet of someone else too. Liam’s feet.

He looks up for a second and sees Liam’s confusion, yet he doesn’t feel any sympathy at all. None whatsoever. Zayn walks forward and pushes past Liam, making sure his shoulder hits Liam’s. He can feel Liam stumble backwards, but Zayn thinks nothing of it and continues down to the kitchen. Liam slowly, yet awkwardly, follows behind Zayn, not understanding why Zayn is being so sour towards him now.

It upset Liam, really. He didn’t do anything, did he? Did he say something offensive last night? Liam quickly thinks back to the night prior where he, and a smiling Zayn, watched fireworks explode off the horizon. Where did that Zayn go? Why isn’t he here right now, instead of this emotional wreck?

Liam considers pulling on Zayn’s arm, so they can stop and talk – well, so Liam could talk – before they ate their dinner, but he quickly decided against it. Zayn was a ticking time bomb, and today just reinforces that perfectly.

“I made pasta.” Mrs. Payne’s voice sounds as the two walk into the kitchen. She notices Zayn’s cold expression and her own son’s upset one. “Hopefully it tastes alright?” She tries her luck at a joke, but doesn’t get the response she wants. Sucking her teeth, she slowly nods to herself, sits, and looks over to her husband who at the time is twirling some pasta onto his spoon, not getting involved with the obvious tension.

Minutes pass and Zayn still hasn’t touched the food on his plate, instead, he’s just glaring at it. Liam is the first to notice Zayn’s lack of eating, then Mrs. Payne, and finally Mr. Payne notices Zayn not eating. He puts his utensils down gently onto his plate and opens his mouth,

“Zayn, my boy, you have to eat.” Zayn hears Mr. Payne and his sweet tone of voice, but can’t come to terms with it. Shut up! Zayn is screaming at each and every one of them, in his head of course. He’s pulling at his jeans underneath the table as he tries to ignore the six eyes staring at him.

“Please, Zayn?” This time it was Mrs. Payne to speak up, but Zayn is furious now. Can’t they leave him alone? Can’t they just let him be? Zayn has had enough, stands abruptly, and walks over to the back exit, towards the lake with the dock. He’s outside of the house in practically three seconds, completing forgetting his hunger, and regretting the decision he made to come eat with them.

In the first second, he’s standing. The second, he’s rushing past Liam who is looking down at his plate with a painful expression. The third, the patio doors slams shut and Zayn is running down to the dock. He sits and brings his knees up to the cheeks as he looks out into the water through his distorted vision.

Zayn is crying, once again.

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Written by fxckthat

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