Fate (L.H.)

Chapter 14

Chapter 14

~Trigger warning~

*Jacquelyn's POV*

It was now Saturday and I was alone again. Carly had gone out with Ashton somewhere again, they really were cute together and I was happy that she's with someone as great as Ash. It was about 3:30 in the afternoon and my parents had gone to Arizona to visit my mom's mom, (my grandma), Friday and were going to be back the following Friday. I was laying in my bed listening to Suicide Season by Bring Me The Horizon. Yesterday wasn't really a good day for me, I went from being 'okay' happy to 'I want to relapse, I'm done' in minutes. It was 10 at night and I had been lying in bed, Carly sound asleep next to me.

All I could think about was how fat, ugly, and disgusting I was. I couldn't stand myself, I hated looking in the mirror because whenever I did all I wanted to do was punch it and break it into hundreds of pieces. I hated the way I looked, I tried dieting and working out, I'm still trying, but it doesn't work because I have no self control.

I thought about what the fans were saying on twitter. They were all right, everyone that told me they were lying, but I didn't believe them, or want to believe them. I slowly fell asleep feeling like a worthless piece of shit, and here I am now. Feeling the same way I did last night but this time I really was alone.

"Fuck it" I said getting up and taking my headphones out, walking to my closet which held the purse where all of my blades were kept in a little bag. Unzipping my purse, I went into the compartment in the middle and picked up the little bag, taking it out of my purse I grabbed my phone and went into the bathroom.

I was now standing front of the mirror, my green eyes glassy. I set my phone down and I looked straight at myself.

Fat

Ugly

Gross

Unlovable

Bitch

Ungrateful

Disappointment

No one would care if you relapsed

No one would care if you died

I said out loud to myself, tears streaming down my face, picking up the little bag and I took out the sharpest blade I could find. When I found the lifeless piece of metal that could make me feel the pain I deserved, I set it down and took off my pants. Throwing them to the side, I picked up the blade putting it on my skin ready to slide it across.

Suddenly I heard my phone ringing and vibrating on the counter. Sighing, I turned it over and saw Luke was calling. I ignored his call, but he called back 2 more times, clicking the end button each time. I picked up the blade again, and as I was about to cut, my phone rang again. Looking at the caller, I saw it was Luke again. There were also multiple texts asking if I was ok and why I wasn't answering. Fuck. Feeling defeated I picked up the phone and answered.

"Jacquelyn baby, are you ok?!" Luke asked, sounding worried and scared.

"Uh, u-um sure." I stuttered trying to keep my sobs in and quiet.

"Why are you lying babe, what's wrong please tell me." He asked me and I heard the sound of a door shutting and then a car door closing.

"Because it's nothing Luke." I said again, but this time I accidentally let a sob out, my back against the wall, sliding down to sit on the floor.

"I'll be there in a few minutes but I'm not ending the call till I'm at your house ok." Luke told me in a tone sounding as if he were trying to make sure I wouldn't do something stupid.

"Luke it's ok, you don't have to c-come over, I-I'll be fine." I said, pissed at myself for stuttering again.

"No, you're not ok. I can hear you crying, I need to make sure you'll be ok." He responded quietly.

I mumbled an ok and we than stayed silent, the only sounds heard were other cars. I then heard a car door slam and a few minutes later my front door open. Luke came walking into my bathroom moments later. I was still a crying mess, my hair was probably everywhere and my makeup too.

"Babe." Luke said softly, dropping to the floor and putting his arms around me. He pulled me into his chest and rubbed my back, kissing my head every so often as I cried.

"What happened?" Luke asked me softly, almost as if he spoke to loud I would break even more.

"I-I just started thinking and it just got bad. The voices, which I know are mine, were saying mean things and then things on twitter, which I know I shouldn't listen to. I'm too fat and ugly. Im not worth it! I started thinking about it again yesterday and it's just hard and I feel so done and I don't want to try anymore. Luke I'm so tired of it all." I breathed out after saying all of that in one breath full on sobbing.

Luke once again pulled me into his arms and rubbed my back, I soon calmed down and was down to hiccups.

"None of its true Jacquelyn. You are perfect to me. Please don't ever feel like you're less than perfect. Don't listen to the voices because they are wrong. You are NOT fat it ugly. And you are so worth it. Don't you ever say that again because it is not true. Please try baby, please, for me. I can't do it without you. I need you, Carly needs you, Jerika, the boys. We all do and we would miss you so fucking much if you ended your life. Please don't relapse either, you've come so far. You deserve to be happy. I'm trying to make you happy and I'm sorry if I can't. Just please don't do anything stupid. I will always be here for you. Please just flush all of your blades, for me." Luke said, tears forming in his eyes and hai face red.

I looked into his watery beautiful blue eyes with my watery green eyes, grabbed his face, and kissed him.

After a few seconds he pulled away and said, "I love you" and smiled.

I looked at him a little bit surprised, before replying with a small smile, "I love you too, and you do make me happy. Don't think for one second that you don't because I haven't been this happy in a while. You are the reason I get up and try. And just because I get like this doesn't mean you aren't making me happy, it's just how I think."

We eventually got up from the floor. Luke dumped out the razors that were in the bag and picked up the one I was going to use off of the counter. He placed them gently into my hands, looked at me, and nodded his head. I knew what I had to do. Walking over to the toilet, I lifted up the seat thing and slowly let them fall. It hurt, it hurt a hell of a lot. The things that took away by giving me pain were floating in the toilet waiting for me to flush them. I had to do it for Luke, I had to do it for me. I've done so good and this will help me get better.

I took a deep breath and flushed the toilet. Watching them flow down the drain was hard, but Luke came up behind me and put his arms on my should and kissed my head.

"Good job Jacquelyn, I'm so fucking proud of you." He said and spun me around to pull me into a hug. With my head against his chest I breathed in deeply and smiled. He was the only person that I would ever do that for. And even better, I found out that he loves me, like I love him.

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Hello lovelies! I'm sorry I haven't updated in forever. I went to Illinois for a week, then went to California for another week, and now I'm back in Illinois!

I hope you guys liked this chapter even if it was kind of depressing...

Anyways, please vote, comment, and share!

Till next time, love you guys:)