Something Random to Satisfy You With

Chapter 4: It All Started When...Hmm, Let Me Think

It had been four months since the Irish Settler had set off from Montreal to find a home out west. The settler was a short, stocky, middle-aged, bald fellow, with hazy yet innocent blue eyes and an unshaven face. He usually wore brown pants, a white shirt, a green vest, black boots, and a brown bowler hat that his cousin had won in a bet. He had come from Ireland to Canada in hopes of finding a better life involving more money, less political unrest, and hopefully some land that didn’t react harshly to potatoes.

It had also been four months since that darn French salesman talked him into trading most of his gear and what little livestock he had for protection money to use against the savages who roamed the land. However, to be honest, the salesman more or less intoxicated the settler and fast talked his way into stealing the poor man’s goods and replacing them with worthless beads. After the transaction, the Frenchman pointed the Settler away in a random direction, the Settler gullibly followed, and the Frenchman never looked back. But, feeling a little sorry for the chap, the salesman went to church, confessed his sins, and prayed that his customer would be eaten by a bear so that it could end his misery.

Sadly, the prayer was never answered, and for the many weeks after that, not only was the Settler chased by bears, he was chased by wildcats, wolves, skunks, beavers, an angry watchmaker, two violinists, a woodpecker that seemed to have a grudge against him, and of course, Native Americans, or as they’re called in Canada, First Nations People. It especially seemed that First Nations People were chasing him, since the Settler couldn’t go 100 kilometres without attracting the attention of another tribe in the area that wanted his beads because of the bead shortage of 1872.

The Settler managed to survive on berries, unfiltered water from the rivers, and raw meat that he got off animals he had shot. But all that wasn’t enough, and pretty soon he became weak, and couldn’t go on as he should have.

The good news was that a nearby tribe found him, took him and all of his beads back to their camp, and nurtured him until he was better. Then they set him off to a land which he could settle, making sure to point him in the right direction.

Now all he had was a shotgun with ever decreasing ammunition, a mule, an axe, some food, and the clothes on his back. He didn’t have a proper hammer, any carving tools, a plough, any seed, or any money. But he had to make do with what he had. To make sure people like him didn’t end up lost, hungry and alone like him, he set up a small, lean-to lodge that would take in wanderers. He named the lodge after his hometown, Kilkenny, but due to his illiteracy it was spelled Cilcinny.

Over the years, the lodge grew, and more and more people visited and stayed at the lodge, some of them victims of that darn salesman. Most of the people liked the area around them, so they stayed, and the population grew. Eventually they established themselves as a town in 1905 under three conditions:

1.  Make the Settler the mayor under the Fundamentalist Party.

2.  Give him some advisors to make sure he doesn’t do something that might put the town to financial ruin.

3.  Change the pronunciation of the town’s name from KILL-KENNY to sil-CANEE, for obvious reasons.

Everything was approved, and life went on until...

The Settler died unexpectedly, and after a quick and confusing election, Evan L. Mayer of the Moderate party was elected, and he will be always remembered in the minds of thousands as the worst mayor who ever led a town. He was a corrupt, belligerent, self-serving, fanatical, possessed, uncaring, sadistic, backhanded, prejudiced, pinching, liar who dared to call himself nice. He bankrupted the town several times, damaging the economy and bringing down the quality of living. For some reason, despite all the stuff that was wrong with him, there were still some people (like those on his staff) who liked Mayor Mayer, partly because he was paying them, and partly because he didn’t care about his job, and they could do whatever they wanted. Therefore, chaos ensued throughout the town, and someone needed to step in and stop Mayer and his corrupt regime before it was too late.