Something Random to Satisfy You With

Chapter 9: Saskatchewan

Now, if this story followed the laws of physics, Alan and Charlie should have been dead. However, this story doesn’t follow the laws of physics in hope that the reader will be able to suspend their disbelief when they find out that the duo survived.

You see, Charlie had miraculously managed to compress airbags into the hood ornament so that if it got run over by a car it would still be protected. He managed to rig the system so that when the hood ornament was under a certain amount of pressure the airbags would pop out. Since the higher you go, the more pressure you put among yourself, and while Alan and Charlie were flying across the sky, the right amount of pressure was put on Alan’s helmet, releasing the airbags and providing a much softer landing.

Now there was some good news, some extra good news, some bad news, and some even worse news. The extra good news was that the two managed to survive with only a few bruises and some headaches. The bad news was that they’d landed in Saskatchewan, some 480 kilometres away from the American border.

Being lost in the middle of Saskatchewan, with no highway to guide you, is the equivalent of being lost in Death Valley. The heat gets to you, making you want to lie down and die in agony. There are few rivers, and even fewer lakes. There are marathon runners who would rather climb mountains than test their sanity running across hard ground with wheat scratching your legs, as well as tripping on the stubble that had just been cut for this year’s harvest. Also, if you happen to have hay fever and haven’t taken a heavy dose of your medication, survival is not even an option to consider. But the good news is that there’s food all around you. The even worse news was that Alan and Charlie were allergic to wheat.

“So what do we do now?” Alan asked.

“Well by the looks of it,” Charlie surveyed the area, “it appears we’ve landed in the middle of the Saskatchewan prairie, some 480 kilometres away from the American border, with no hospitals, police stations, airports, eating places, gas stations, roads, rivers or trees within a 20 kilometre radius. Basically without the proper equipment we have a 30% chance of survival.”

“That sounds a little too precise.” Alan nitpicked.

“That’s what the sign says,” Charlie replied, pointing across the horizon, where a big sign situated 400 metres away said those exact words, “but anyways, I was planning on using your built-in, voice transmitter device to broadcast a signal so that we could call for help when we got into this situation.”

“Wait a minute! You knew we would get into this situation? How? Why?” Alan objected.

“Well it wasn’t going to be in this exact situation. We were supposed to be hiding in a cave in Alaska from a bunch of evil whale poachers, and we were going to be down to our last ketchup packets, and would come down to either calling for help by using technology unapproved by F.A.D, or licking the walls in hope of striking salt.” Charlie explained.

Alan just stared at him.

“Now keep in mind this was supposed to be for next January,” Charlie tried to reassure Alan, “so I do try my best to prepare for these missions. Anyways, all you have to do is push a button that’s by your neck, and your voice will start transmitting. Now please keep in mind that these transmissions only last thirty seconds per session, and that it takes eight hours for your helmet to recharge enough power so that you can make another transmission,”

“Where am I going to be transmitting to?” Alan inquired.

“I don’t know. The nearest radio station, police scanner, or cell phone probably. Just please call for help before we die!” Charlie told him.

“What’s a cell phone?”

“Just do it!”

Now the nearest radio station happened to be owned by a church, which on their current broadcast were analyzing whether or not they were going to allow a warlock to become their new pastor, when their show was interrupted by a strange transmission.