i think ill die obsessed ; gawsten

3. long night

-awstens pov

love is fucking stupid, honestly. i cant stand falling in love. funny how i can never help falling in love with someone either.

i hate it. i hate falling for anyone who is human. i always get fucked over every single time. they either do something to purposefully lead me off, cheat on me, or just break up with me for no reason. never fails.

id figure i would be over her by now, but i guess not. i got over grace quicker than this. its just, ciara. i felt hard for her. it was way, way, way, too quick. there was just a part of her that lead me towards her. i dont know what it was, but it got me fucked up in the long run.

after being on tour for about two weeks now, i still cant play powerless without thinking of her. theres many songs that i wrote about her, its just that one that hits hard in my heart. i remember writing that when i had gotten home from hanging out with her all that day.

but here i am, laying in my tour bus bunk after a stressful but well played concert, hearing everyone have a good time. everyone just eventually stopped carring about me, i guess. geoff is the only one to care, but he gives me the space i need. i like to be left alone until i get way too bad and cant handle myself anymore. geoff always ends up helping when i dont look too good or he just really knows when to talk to me.

i miss it when i was happy, not sad and mad all the time. ill get over it soon. ill find a way to know that i dont need to worry about her and that she was not worth my time at all. she mightve broken my heart and world, but i got so many people who matter more and care for me so much more than she ever did or will.

i just got to wrap that around my brain. she mightve meant the world to me and she mightve treated me like a king, no matter what i did, and i mightve treated her like a princess. just know, she stopped honestly treating you like a king a long time ago. i mightve still treated her like my princess, just not anymore.

no matter the amount of stress, panic, anxiety, sadness, and anger she sends to me, she will never be looked at the same way by me. even after all those nice things we did together, shes not worth my time. shes not worth all of the emotions she sends me to me either.

she doenst deserve me at all. i dont deserve her at all, either.

god, its going to be a long night just like the others. thinking of her, telling myself to not think or worry about her but i just end up not listening to myself the next night. thats what i hate about us people. we set our minds to do something but we never really get around to doing it most of the time. i wish we did, especially at times like this. to get her out of my mind so i can feel better and become old awsten. the awsten who made stupid jokes, was very sarcastic, bubbly, talkative, willing to share stories, and a bunch of whole other stuff. i dont know how to word it, but i miss myself.

besides that, i need a journal. im sick of this stupid app thats automatically downloaded and wont delete off my phone. that being my notes app. maybe its time to get one.

aws 🌴
is the bus moving anytime soon im planning to go somewhere

gee 🌹
nah, were parked. were gonna start driving in a few mintues. 30 to an hour maybe, why?

aws 🌴
i just need to go get some things from walmart that i really need

gee 🌹
alright. mind me coming with? im getting bored with everyone. id rather be hanging with someone who never fails to bore me. i lost interest a lonnng time ago.

i laugh, blushing slightly. geoff anyways makes me blush, theres never a momment when i see him or talk to him and i dont blush.

aws 🌴
up to you man i dont mind