i think ill die obsessed ; gawsten

4. what did you expect?

every night after the time i fell asleep in geoffs arms, its been a recurring thing. nightmare, text geoff, sleep in geoffs arms, no nightmare and sleep peacefully. every night. geoff doesnt mind, but i would like him to have one night by himself and not me on his side like a leech.

but, tonight. i need him. its not a want, its a need. she ended up texting me. it wasnt good. hell, it wasnt even that long of a text and im having a god damn panic attack over it. and whats even better, no one is on the bus.

ciara 🍃
awsten, get the fuck over me, already. you should already pick up on how much happier i am with my new boyfriend and not your depressing ass. now, stop subtweeting me and go kiss up on geoff. thanks.

sometimes i wonder. i wonder how i stayed with her after she cheated on her last boyfriend with me. crazy, right? youre probably thinking, 'wow, awsten you literally the dumbest thing ever.' yeah, im thinking the same thing. but you know what i did? i stayed with her, fell too deeply in love, and ended up getting my heart broken to pieces.

she was the love of my life. go ahead, take a shot every time i say she was the love of my life. thats the truth though, she was. now that her and i are no more, a part is missing about me. i need to get over her, over her quickly.

i still cant even comprehend how i even fell for her. i should have trusted my gut. shes bad news awsten. she will end up doing something bad in the long run like she did to her last boyfriend, who she cheated on, with you. see, thats what i shouldve listened to. you were right at the beginning. you ended up doubting yourself, forgetting that thought. it clicked in your head when she ended up proving that thought truley.

i cant even get sad anymore, all i feel is anger at this point. mad at her for doing to me, leading me on, making me fall deeply in love with her. im mad at everyone for not warning me more about her, for not sitting down with me and knocking some sense into my head that she wasnt good for me. but most importantly, im mad at myself. mad i didnt listen to the warnings, mad i didnt believe my head, mad i got with her, mad i didnt end the relationship when i found out she was cheating on her, what she told me, ex with me, mad i met her, mad i fell in love with her.

at this point i need to write. write a song to cope with all of these feelings. see, no matter what i do, writing is my number one coping meconisiom. it makes me calm, safe, and distracted by the world. its very nice for someone like me. if i didnt find anything to cope with, id honestly most likely be punching a wall or damaging myself. thank god i have this small notebook now.

i get side tracked of my thoughts when my phone buzzes. i start to contemplate if i should pick it up and see who texted me. i sigh, i lay down my pencil and reach for my phone. geoff texted me.

gee 🌹
aws, i know youre probably asleep, but i left everyone since i wasnt really feeling it. you not being there might be the reason to why. but as you can guess, im on the way to the bus. ill try to stay quiet.

i throw my head back, starting to even get mad at geoff comimg back from having fun, for me. i know he said he wasnt feeling it, but neither am i. i want to be alone, i dont care if its geoff. i need to be alone before i end up blowing up. the bad thing is, no matter who it is, im close to breaking point. the one person who i really dont want to go off on, is walking to the buses for me.

usually, i would feel happy geoff is coming back to the busses for me. its just something is different now. it might be that ciara texted me or it might be that im filled up with anger now. but for all i know, i dont want to snap on geoff. it would kill me to raise my voice at him. maybe if i just act asleep, i dont know. im just going to keep writing.