i think ill die obsessed ; gawsten

7. parachute

hurt.

emotionless.

scared.

paranoid.

anxious.

panic.

distance.

those are all the things ive been feel as of now. its been almost four days since the whole deal and i havent spoke to anyone. all thats came out of my mouth since is me singing and a few whispered cuss words at myself. geoff and otto have tried to speak to me, but i roll over and let my back face them. i cant bring myself to talk to them. i know they didnt do anything negative, but my mental state doesnt want to speak to them.

other than that, ive only been to three places. my bunk, to whatever venue we play that night, and to the bathroom. thats it, thats all i can bare. no, i havent been to get food either. geoff and otto offer me some food everytime they eat. i shake my head, closing my eyes so i wont have to see or deal with the two.

i know im pulling a major dick move and i cant help it. i try to, but everytime i open my mouth i cant speak. the fans have noticed it, too. its not that i dont speak, but they can see me going pale and not being as energetic. i dont even go to meet and greets anymore. i just go straight to my bunk. im surprised no one as yelled at me for it.

i try to do anything but this. i dont want to starve myself, i dont want to distance myself, i dont want to hurt anyone, i dont want to make anyone upset, and i especially dont want anyone upset because of me. seeing all of the fandom send me positivity, hoping ill get over this, doenst even make me feel good. it makes me feel worse. it makes me feel like i failed them. i know im a 'role model' for them, but i cant even bare bringing myself to slightly make myself happy.

as hard as i try, i cant. i want to, but i cant. i miss being happy for that almost week and half. i was so damn happy. it was just the thought that geoff cared so much about getting me back to myself and didnt care whatever he had to do, to do that. he wouldnt even care taking a bullet for me. but, i dont fully know if i like geoff in that way. i mean, hes hot as hell but i dont fully know if i would date him.

i dont know if i would date anyone, at all. not for a long time. not until my trust is fully back into my hands. hell, my trust will have to be in my whole body along with fourteen hand fulls of it. i used to let people, i dont know the right word, use me i guess. thats why i never really thought about the beginning of my relationship with ciara. that got me to where i am now.

laying down, in my bunk, writing in a journal. the journal i write all of my feelings and songs in. as of now, im doodling in it right now for some reason. i dont draw a while lot, but right now i am. im drawing how i feel as of now. its a boy who is in their classroom, getting talked upon to as the boy is very giddy and happy. but, little does every person in the classroom doesnt know, the boy is hurting. he doesnt know what is life if about anymore. hes only alive, for a few selected people. thats where it ties into me. im only alive for geoff, otto, and the fanbase. yeah, theres a few more, but thats it.

as pathetic as im getting, i cant help it. i try, but all i can do is lay around and not talk to anybody. i know its been four days and ill be over this soon, but i dont know how long soon will be. i want to be happy, i do. its just she got so god damn involved into my life, its like a part of me is missing. i like how shes out of my life, but she does everything she can to break me back down when im at my best. i hate that, i like being happy. i just want people to know i am, but a few people dont like to know i am. i hate that.

other than that, i feel as if i walk off the bus without any reason someone would end up getting worried. i hope no one will. i want to be outside alone. i dont want anyone throwing me questions about why im off the bus or if im fine. thats what i should do. i need to go on a well needed walk.

i jump off my bunk, put on some shoes, and grab my phone and earbuds. i shuffle my phone, feeling pleased at the song. i sigh, walking past everyone. geoff and otto were in a middle of a mario cart game and i heard them ask what i was doing. i didnt answer, i was already off the bus and starting to cry. god, im a fucking crybaby.

ive been walking for a while now as my tears still fall and i feel like someone is walking with me. i turn around and see geoff. i take a deep breath, turn back around, and start running. i run until i have no where else to run. i stop and feel geoffs arms around me. i break down and fall onto the ground. i kick geoff away, causing him to grunt loudly and trip. my earbuds fell off a while ago, so i can hear every small word geoff speaks or whispers.

hearing him let out a mouthfull of curse words due to pain, caused by me, makes me sob harder. he notices, and crawls over to me. he goes to touch my face, but i dodge the touch. god, i hate even thinking about being touched. hell, if i do i know ill end up breaking down even more. i move back until i hit a wall. i jump when i do, but i really do need to stop moving.

"awsten, for fucks sake! let me touch you and comfort you," he yells. geoff has never yelled at me. hes frustrated at me, hes mad. hes mad at me. "fuck, i didn't mean to yell. but, awsten im serious. let me touch you," he says softer this time. i tense up, but i give up and he notices so he pulls me into his lap. he hugs me, bringing me a load full of safety.

he doesnt say much. he doenst need too. i dont want him too. he does try to speak, but i nod my head. i dont want to hear the whole shes no worth of your worry or i want you to feel good type of shit. i just want silence and nothing else.

i just want to be im geoffs arms, worrying about nothing.