i think ill die obsessed ; gawsten

5. worst

days past and i wrote a new song. i go back on it, deciding if i like it or not. i reread it, knowing i enjoy it. i already have the simple guitar tune to it, but i want to add a finger snap in it. i shake my head and rub my eyes.

its a lot to take in. especially since ive only wrote happy love songs about ciara. but now, now its anger break up song. i rub my eyes, not noticing i was crying. i close my notebook, making sure everyone was off the bus and set up a small studio to record the song.

after a few times of practicing, im ready to record. i take a deep breath, and hit the button. strum, snap, stum, snap. that happens a few more times and start to sing. in a part of the song i go all into it, losing my breath as i end up punching to wall when i finish that lyric.

when i finished recording and putting everything away, people come back on the bus. i get on my phone, acting as if i was like this the whole time. geoffs the last to be on and he instantly comes over to me. "sound check in a few, aws," he says with a smile as he ruffles up my hair. i look up at my phone with a smile and nod.

i feel more alive after i finished recording that song. i dont know how, but i feel like a bunch of weight is off of my shoulders now. i get up and change into my mickey mouse muscle tee and walk to the venue early. jawn is helping everyone fix everything up and i help a bit too.

soon, geoff and otto are out here and i give them both a genuine smile. they smile back and geoff comes up to me after he grabs his guitar. "you seem happy, any reason as to why?" he asks, tucking tiny pieces of my hair behind my ear. i let out a soft giggle and shake my head.

"just had a good dream," i lie straight through my teeth and geoff see through it. he nods his head and smiles. "well, lets get this practice over with," he says, patting my back and places a quick kiss on my forehead.

as practice goes on, i debate if i should sing the song i recorded tonight. i might cry, i might get mad, i might not do either. i shrug it off and continue practicing over royal. as we do this song, i end up accidentally playing the whole song when otto said he messed up and needed to rerun a part of the song. geoff noticed i was into the song, and tells otto to shut up and let me continue.

i havent felt this postive in a while. maybe its because geoff and i are getting closer or its the song i wrote or its because im finally getting over ciara. i cant tell. when i get to the with the way im feeling, im so out of touch with everyone. and everythings a blur to me i had to step back from the mic and catch my breath. i go back to the mic and continue to sing the song.

when i finish, i hold the mic and place my head onto it. i close my eyes and take everything in. i havent sang with no effort like that in forever. i dont know what came to me, but that happened. i look up at geoff and he smirks at me. i blush, laying my head back on the mic to get my breath back.

soon, practice is over and we have an hour until show time. i hide in my bunk, scrolling through twitter. i see a few tweets saying fans are excited to see us play tonight. then i finally come to terms. im playing that song tonight. i hit the button to make a tweet.

@awsten
something crazy is gonna happen tonight. get ready.

of course, everyone freaks since im in all lowercase. its normal, trust me. i laugh at a few replies, seeing a few think its a new waterparks song is dropping. half true, its one i wrote and no one knows about. i was going to reply to a few tweets, but i snap out of my scrolling when otto tells me it time to leave.

@awsten
youre not ready for this.

as the concert leads to us playing powerless, everyone screams. they recognize the tune. i shake my hands and tell everyone to shut up. "seriously, fuck be quiet for a few minutes," i say, laughing softly. i replace my guitar for a new one and bring a stoll to sit on as i play. i take a deep breath and start to speak. "now, here we are. we usually play powerless right here, but im changing things up tonight. sorry in advance geoff and otto," i laugh, causing everyone too as well. "also, as i play this please dont record it. i fucking beg you to not record it," i say, pointing at a few fans with cameras out.

"anyway, this is called worst."

i strum and snap a few times and lead into the lyrics.

dealing with this shit sobers got me fucked up
i know its hard but is all love "tough love?"
anxiety is real, depression's very heavy
i wear them both inside my hoodie, wear them out to get me
you wanna get drunk so you cant remember nothing
it was me or whiskey, now youre pissed i wasnt bluffing
fuck it, you took a couple shots, dont you dare fucking miss me
miss unfaithful hit the backboard breaking bedsprings

so delete us from your phone and never look back
fuck you and your friends and la, you know i mean that
i, i think youre the worst of them
i think youre the worst of them all
i think youre the worst, yeah
i think youre the worst of them all
i think youre the worst, yeah
i think youre the worst of them all

am i dealing with a break up or a breakdown?
nights never been so loud without your voices sound
you want a boss or a fucking white boy with a six pack?
oh, whats that?
you had both in one but fucked around
id buy you everything on solid ground, yeah
im a poet and you know it, im a business, steady growing
didnt wanna listen but you proved them right
i watched you blow it, fuck it

so delete us from your phone and never look back
fuck you and your friends and la, you know i mean that
i, i think youre the worst of
i think youre the worst of them all
so delete us from your phone and never look back
fuck you and your friends and la, know i mean that
i, i think youre the worst of them
i think youre the worst of them all
i think youre the worst of them all
i think youre the worst of them
i think youre the worst of them all
i think youre the worst of them
i think youre the worst of them all
i think youre the worst of them all

when i finish, im in tears. not that im just sad, its because i played that live. i played it, knowing im getting over ciara. i play it, knowing im getting better. i played it, cause im confident. i played it, knowing shes not worth my time. i played it, just to play it.

i laugh, wiping my tears. i shake my head and look at the crowd. "alright, sorry bout that. needed to get that out i guess," i say, getting back up to get back on set. "sorry if you were looking foward to powerless,  i say, laughing but continuing the show.

show ends, not one has spoken to me. seems great, but i really want to be spoken to. geoff wont even make eye contact with me. now, thats odd. i dont get that. hes always there asking if im fine or something. i shrug it off, not thinking about it anymore.

until he pulls me aside out of the bus. i look at him confused as i tilt my head. "what the fuck was that, awsten?" he asks, taking me a second to let it click in my head. the song.

i shrug, looking down but geoff pushes my face back up to keep eye contact i suppose. "its a song i wrote about ciara. d-dont get mad, please. after i wrote it ive been feeling better. t-thats why i was so happy today. please dont be mad," i beg, tearing up, not knowing how geoff will react.

i looks down for a second and smiles up at me. "aws, im not mad. im proud, actually. its really good seeing you getting back to your old roots after such a long time. i just wish you couldve told otto and i about how you was going to play that song before hand," he says, wiping my tears and just smiles at me. "just, dont do anything way too risky when coping or getting over her, okay? i dont wanna see you end up somwhere bad."

i nod my head and smile, knowing ill be okay and that geoff cares. "ill try my best. no promises," i say, laughing softly. geoff scoffs, shaking my head.

he leans in so he can kiss me, making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. i smile into the kiss and place my hands on his neck again. i pull away, smiling.

"i love you, geoff."