It Was You

Chapter 22

It took a few minutes to get out of the pool and into Ben's room. Once I told him I was ready, we made out and things got heavy. His fingers worked their magic underwater and I was trying my best to make my hand work on him through his bathing suit. After a few minutes, he told me, "As much as I love this, let me be a gentleman and take you in a bed."

So, that's how I ended up on his bed and him on top of me. I was still in my bathing suit, as was he, but neither of us wanted to move first, it seemed. "You're absolutely sure?" He asked. I nodded and let out a shaky breath. "I trust you, Ben."

And I did. I did trust him. If I didn't, well then, I wouldn't be dating him. I wouldn't be here, right now, on his bed and willing to give myself to him.

"Okay," he breathed, "um...let me just grab a condom." He got up and walked over to his drawer. He scrambled nervously around until he found a box. It was unopened and I don't know why that made me feel better. "Grabbed these this week," he told me as his shaking hands struggled to open the box.

"Almost missed my curfew." He was kind of rambling now, which was pretty adorable. Once he got it opened, he grabbed a condom from it and dropped the box on the floor. He quickly got back into bed and I could practically feel his heart beat when he got back on top of me.

I put my hand over his heart and said, "We don't have to." He took my hand and held it close. "I do," he told me, "believe me...I do. I'm just nervous because this is your first time and I really want to make it special. I'm also thinking about how you're still sick and that I don't want this to effect anything that's going on inside you. I also really don't want to hurt you."

Okay, now I'm confused and also kind of angry. "You...you think I'm too fragile? Is that it?" He went to say something, but I pushed him off of me and sat up. "My cancer is almost gone and people still think every little goddamn thing is going to kill me! Do I expect that from them? Yes, but from you? Goddammit, Ben."

"Look, I'm sorry," he tried saying, but I stopped him. "No," I said, "don't. You are the one who hyped this up, who assured me it was all going to be okay, but now you're being a pussy!" He put his finger up and said, "Hold on, that's not fair!"

I scoffed, "Fair? Fair? I'll tell you what's not fair, Ben. What's not fair is my boyfriend being this amazing guy he's always been, but then turning into an asshole! I'm not nearly as mad about not having sex, as I am with you thinking I can't handle it. So fuck you."

With that, I got up from the bed and practically ran downstairs. "Cassie!" Ben called, but I just gathered my things from by the door. He came rushing down and said, "Don't leave, baby, I'm sorry. Come on, let's forget about this."

I shook my head with a small smile and tears in my eyes. "I can't forget about this one, Ben, because this time, you should have known." I opened the door as he shouted, "Stop, goddammit, we need to talk about this! That's what couples do!"

I quickly turned to him and shouted back, "You want to talk? Is that really what you want?" He threw his arms in the air and shouted, "Yes!" Taking a deep breath, I said in a more calming tone, "Fine. We'll talk. What did you and my dad talk about?"

He was visibly confused and I could tell he was frustrated by it. "What?" He asked. "Your...your dad? What the fuck, this isn't about your dad!" I nodded as I said, "It is. I know it is! You both had a conversation the first time you came over. What was it about?"

I had him now because he started to struggle to say something. "I...we, we..." I waited. Patiently, I might add. "He...he told me that...that he knew that I knew that you were sick. He said I just didn't understand how much. He said that you've been sick and that you would always be sick, doesn't matter if you got better or not. There were still some things you wouldn't be able to handle, like drinking, smoking, smoking pot...sex. I don't think he meant to say it, I think he was just kind of venting. I don't know, maybe he was just trying to scare me off and I fell for it. He also said to not get you upset or fight with you because I'll...I'll never..."