Surrender

Indifference

Afsana's POV

I dreamed Ziraar returned. I dreamed he climbed through the window because he was one to do the impossible. I dreamed so much more but dreams are delusions. In Pakhtunkhwa there were no dreams, only reality. In Pakhtunkhwa everyone had courage, strength enough to achieve their greatest desire. In my watan every man had a thousand desires, a hundred dreams, all lay unaccomplished. Tales they called them, mad men they named them. Because their lives would waste away pursuing those very dreams, their cowardice a hindrance, so they would imagine it all and forget reality. I would not mock those dreams, for I too had dreamed once, still dreamed. Within my heart my culture, my people were still present no matter how hard Ziraar tried to make them disappear. I was certain one day he would bury them so deeply they would never rise again. I was certain any child I were to ever have would never utter a word of Persian, never carry out an action of my culture. It saddened me, but these people were far stronger, proud of their origin and way of life and would never allow any to dominate over them. I knew if he was a boy he would enter this world thirsty for blood, war raging in his veins, unrest in his heart. I knew he would don their garments, their proud turbans and curved sandals. I knew he would shout their harsh language in anger and happiness. I knew he would take every risk and do the impossible to prove his ghayra. The softness of my people, their hesitancy would be absent. Perhaps he too would scoff at my customs the way his father did. And if she was a girl she would be spoilt and cherished,lives would be laid down for her protection and honor. She would wear the finest dresses, the rarest of jewelry. If anyone dared to lift a finger on her, he would not live to blink. When she was a queen, what need would she have for the life I once had? A life of slavery and trial.

I decided to stop dreaming, I would lose myself. So my dreams became a silent darkness, where nothing but reality was possible

The heavy weight almost smothered me, I struggled to lift it off

'Pigeon...'

I opened my eyes. Fully. And listened again

'Rise and shine pigeon'

He was here. Ziraar was here.

'Ziraar?'

The weight on top of me was yards and yards of thick fur,my fingers sank into the luxurious material
'What is this?'

'A blanket, I have your cloak here'
He held it out for me

'Thank you, I did not think you would get it'

He seemed offended 'If you had asked me for the whole of Pakhtunkhwa I would have given it to you'

'Ziraar I need to speak to y-'

He had opened the chest and taken out a handful of cardamom pods, he chewed them nonchalantly and frowned.
'Where is the ginger powder?'

'I have it'

'You have a unusual liking for cardamom'

'Cardamom is a delicacy'

'In such large quantity?'

'If there is a storm I won't run short'

'I wanted to tell-'

'Mother told me'

'I am frightened Ziraar, I have never  experienced this before'

'As I am sure some thousand women are going through it too, who have never experienced this before. Be brave Afsana, learn courage'

His words wounded me, how easy it was to say be brave when you did not have to do it
'You do not understand'

He turned to me, his expression cold
'Are you entering a battlefield? You are carrying a child, soon it will be born and you will be relieved of it. Women go through much worse'

'I do not want to be relieved of my child'

'The way you speak implies it'

'I just wanted consolation'

'And I don't know how to give it'

I had never felt such burning rage
'How would you know consolation? Only humans can feel for another, you are just a unfeeling rock. What would a child mean to you when you have a whole herd. I counted the days when you were gone, now I wish you had stayed away another month'

Fury burned in his eyes
'I have given you far too much liberty girl. You want to know why I am married to those two women? Well listen then. It was a punishment for my disobedience, marriage to widows. I vowed to defy my father I would marry the first decent woman I saw, I saw you but you don't seem to be decent Persian. Do not think for even moment that I married you for some speciality you have and because of that I will keep you. You are nothing compared to the woman in my tribe, I have no problem being indifferent, I have done it before and I can do it again'

He stormed out, anger radiating off him as if he was a fire