Because I'm a Girl

Chapter 26

"We have a few months left and I think we should squeeze one more event in," I said as my eyes wandered over the members of my club. "I'm not sure what the event will be yet, but... we'll figure it out during our next meeting. Thanks for attending. The meeting is over."

My eyes landed on Josh and my heart skipped a beat when he smiled at me. Everyone went to pack up their things, but Josh didn't move. He kept staring at me, his eyes full of emotions, and my heart began to pound against my chest.

Once the room was nearly empty, Josh then got up from his seat. Our eyes stayed locked onto each other's as he made his way towards me, his eyes gentle. I stared up at him, watching as he stopped in front of me.

"I'll see you later," Josh said, pressing his lips against my forehead.

Blush flooded into my cheeks and I was left struck as Josh walked off. Stunned from his actions, I was left to stand in my spot, speechless.

"Why didn't you tell me you and Josh are dating?" Aria asked, snapping me out of my daze.

I whipped my head to look at her and blushed harder when I realized she had seen what happened. Embarrassed, I looked down.

"We're not dating," I said.

"Really?" Aria said. "Then... what was that about? Friends don't just kiss each other's foreheads."

"I don't know what we are." I sighed.

I looked at Aria and saw how confused she looked. Biting my lip, I didn't know what to say. Things were complicated between Josh and I. After the dance, I wasn't sure what was going on between us.

"He's into you and you're into him," Aria said. "Why don't you guys make it official?"

I shrugged, unsure of what to say. Although Josh told me he liked me, there was something holding me back. Something more than just the fact that I was scared of getting hurt.

"Why don't you ask Josh why he doesn't make if official?" Aria asked softly. "It's obvious he cares about you. He's... not very emotional, so you're going to have to get the truth out of him."

"I need to learn more about Josh before we make it official," I blurted out, blushing. "We've been friends for a while and we hang out a lot, but... I don't know enough about him. I mean, I don't know why he's the way he is and that's something I should know before starting a relationship with him."

Aria nodded, leaving me relieved because not knowing enough about Josh had been bothering me. He told me it was because he was a boy that he kept ignoring me, but he never told me exactly what part of his gender affected him. Although Josh showed me issues guys faced, he never showed me the issue he faced and deep down, it bothered me. If Josh and I were going to be together, I wanted to know why he was the way he was.

"Talk to him," Aria said, her eyes soft. "I know Josh isn't the most open person, but if he's going to open up to someone it would be you."

My eyes softened and I nodded, hoping Aria's words were true. I had seen Josh change and grow into a new person. He had once been expressionless and cold, but now he was opening up and learning to express his feelings. I liked to think I had an influence, which made me hope that Josh would be willing to tell me why he was the way he was.

"You're right," I said, smiling. "Thanks. I'll talk to him."

"I'm glad to hear that," Aria said, smiling.

*****

"Josh!" I exclaimed, jogging over to him.

Josh was near his car and he stopped walking. He turned to face me, an amused expression on his face, and I smiled. It had been a while since I chased him down in the parking lot.

"I was just thinking about how I miss this," Josh said when I neared him.

I laughed lightly and stopped walking. Growing nervous, I clasped my hands together and stared up at Josh.

"You told me it's because you're a boy that you don't express your feelings," I said. "I... Can you tell me what exactly is the reason? I want to know what makes you, you."

Josh seemed caught off guard by my question and he looked away. He seemed uneasy and his eyes were guarded, which left my heart sinking. I had a bad feeling about how he'd respond.

"I... I'm not ready yet, Sarah," Josh said, his eyes on the blue sky. "I'm sorry, but I'll tell you when I'm ready."

I couldn't help but grow disappointed. Looking down at my feet, I wondered why Josh wasn't ready. I thought we were close enough to confess our deepest secrets, but I was wrong from the way Josh dismissed me.

"I know I shouldn't mind, but... I want to get to know all of you," I said. "I want to know why you're the way you are because... I care about you. I would never hurt you, so don't be scared to show me the parts of you you're ashamed of."

Josh looked at me and his eyes were gentle. His hand reached for my face and he brushed a strand of my hair back, leaving me smiling. Months ago I would never have thought Josh was so gentle.

"Thank you," Josh said. "I know you won't hurt me. I just... hate feeling vulnerable. I'm not used to showing people the parts of me I try so hard to hide, but I care about you, too. I'll show you why I'm the way I am. Come to my house on Sunday for dinner."

"There's nothing wrong with being vulnerable," I said. "But, I'll come for sure on Sunday. You... you don't have to do this, by the way. I didn't mean to pressure you."

"No, I want to do this." Josh gave me a small smile. "Not just for you, but for me."

I nodded at his words, my heart growing warm. Thanking Aria for pushing me to learn more about Josh, I grew excited to see what made Josh the way he was. After days of wondering, I couldn't wait to understand the boy I had fallen for.