Shards of a Heart

Chapter 23

Chapter 23 - Now

I open my eyes a few minutes later. The taste of iron is on my lips, blood it seems, and I realize I had been picking at the dry skin with my teeth. I hear Alec cough, and decide I should head back to my room, having no idea how long my eyes were closed.

The door to my room is still open, and I can see my record player on my nightstand. The sound is just loud enough, and I let the violins fill my eardrums. Vanilla hits my nose, a candle I had bought when we moved. I take my time, listening to the sound of the floorboards creak under each of my light steps. I head for my bed, deciding to let Alec do the project himself. I don't make it all the way.

A cold hand is on my arm, and it pushes up my sleeve. Its grip tightens as I try to pull away, and I give in with a small gasp at the pain, looking into Alec's dark eyes. They don't meet mine, instead, they are focused on my skin. I follow his gaze to the small slightly lighter marks up and down my left forearm, and my face grows colder.

He cuts me off before I can speak.

"Celia why didn't you tell me," heat returns to my cheeks and anger consumes my thoughts as I register what he must be concluding

"First off, I didn't do that. They are scars from some glass from an... accident. Second of all, even if i needed help, I would definitely not tell you of all people, and you have no right to know. Third of all, don't ever touch me ag-"

"I know what cutting looks like, trust me," He cuts me off, still not releasing my arm. He looks up at me, and I glimpse that look that I have seen only once before. "I was wondering why you didn't tell me about Seattle"

My breathing stops, a ball forming in my throat. My arm drops to my side as his fingers slide off and into his own hand, gripping them tightly as he studies my face. I study his hands. He grips his first finger and bends it back a little, a slight crack sounding as he moves to the next finger, which doesn't make a sound. They twist around themselves until they stop and pull apart, slipping onto the armrests of the chair.

Then they disappear around the sides of me and I feel them touch my back as light as air before I pick up on what is happening.

Alec's arms are around me in a stiff and very quick hug. He looks uncomfortable as he pulls away, and opens his mouth before closing it again. It takes him a few seconds before he finds his voice.

"I'm sorry"

I finally meet his eyes. They aren't clouded anymore, as though the storm has passed. The light from my window hits them, ocean green and muddy brown mixing across his iris.

"How'd you know" I finally say. My voice sounds like my vocal chords were being rubbed against the gravel road at my old house.

"Um," his eyes cloud over again, but there is no anger, only sadness. "Well I looked at your email when you first left. I thought you, um, well, I previously thought you had a secret. And i guess, um," he stammers looking down.

"You wanted to see what it was"

"Yeah." His eyes glance up again. "Then I looked at more recent... stuff..."

"Bombings" My voice is clear again. I taste blood again, knowing I'm biting my lip but not caring.

"Jade Payne was one of the names in the pictures... some sports team she was on? She was who you were emailing. But the article said she-"

"I know she's dead Alec."

Bitterness escapes my mouth "The emails are just a way to make me feel better. Please leave." He obeys like a dog.

I didn't know why my demeanor changed so quick, but I think it has something to do with what I said. The fact that I had just admitted Jade was gone. He made me admit it, to him, and to myself. And that broke my heart into a million shards, because it proved that I wasn't alright anymore. That I should still be in therapy, back in Seattle. With Camdon.

I open up my email again

Dear Jade,
I don't know if you actually read these. This is my last one. I love you. I miss you. I'm going to be okay. We all are going to be okay.
With All The Shards of My Heart,
Celia Joyce Gray

I hit send. A message pops up on my screen, one that I have never tried to read

This email address doesn't exist anymore.
Cancel Send Anyway

For the last time, I press the right button. Then I close out my old email account and log into my recent one.

1 New Message

I open it.

Dear Celia,
I'm sorry. I shouldn't've snooped around your computer. I am aware that I was out of line and I should have never tried to learn something you didn't want me to know. If you do need to talk though, I left  my number on the project. Don't text please, I like hearing your voice
Alec

I press delete as another message pops up

I didn't mean that I liked hearing your voice specifically, I just like hearing people's voices... Then i can hear their emotion, or make sure they are the ones actually talking. Plus texting takes too long. So do emails.
A

I delete that message as well.

• • •
So oops, I had a long period of time without updating... SORRY REALLY I AM I JUST HAVE NO TIME!

I recently moved and it was a very long process because I was literally homeless for 6 months before our house was finished (dont worry, I had a place to live, it was just an hour away from school so I had no free time)

Anyway... my writing is going downhill (I didn't edit this at all) so sorry if it seems like I'm just posting what my plops out of my brain first cause I am. That's mainly why it's a short chapter, because I didn't go back and add descriptions and all that Jazz.

But... how do you feel about the story so far? Share with me please!

Stay Gold,
AJ (I realized I actually don't like emojis sooo)