Years Without You - Cashton

July 2014

July 2, 2014

Dear journal (or diary I don't know I've never done this before),

So.

Michael gave you to me for some reason. He says it might help me cope with Ashton leaving.

I don't know it all seems so ridiculous without him here.

I probably won't write in you again.

-Calum

July 7, 2014

Dear Journal,

It's Ashton's birthday. I wonder what he would've done if he was still here.

He would've gotten drunk and done a bunch of stupid stuff. I like to imagine it in my head, him swaying his hips as he danced and grinded on random strangers. He would've come to me and apologized right away.

The next morning he'd be all hungover and depressed because he'd be a proper adult and not a teenager.

But he's dead. So he'll never turn twenty, or get hungover, or play the drums, or kiss me, or tell Michael off for cussing, or giggle with Luke ever again.

I'm sorry. My tears are smudging the ink and I probably look hideous.

Ashton would've told me I look beautiful anyways.

-Calum

July 19, 2014

Dear journal,

It's been almost a month since Ash died.

No one has taken it well.

I'll tell you about it some other time Luke's yelling at me because we have our first interview since Ash died and he doesn't want to be late. It's not going to be the same without Ashton.

-Calum

July 23, 2014

Dear journal,

Yesterday was the one month anniversary of Ashton's death.

It was a bad day.

I woke up Mikey and Luke at three am crying in my sleep. I was dreaming about Ash. It was nice, he looked so pretty and was like a angel in the sun. He was telling me nice things and we laughed a lot. When I woke up I realized it was just our first date.

They say dreams are your brain forgetting things.

I don't want to forget you Ash.

***

I'm sorry I had to stop writing I was crying too much.

I'll try to tell you what happened now.

After I woke them up we all cuddled in our- my bed and cried for a long time. We finally got up at six and Luke made breakfast.

It was shit.

He nearly burned our last kitchen towel making toast he's so fucking incapable of cooking I swear. Anyways, after that we just decided to go to McDonalds and eat.

There were people everywhere once the paps heard we had finally left our house.

That's when it really went to hell.

They were grabbed at us and asking a thousand questions a minute.

I had my first panic attack right there in public.

Someone trended a bunch of stuff on twitter after we finally left and the videos of it got out.

It wasn't nice, unless you count #CalumGrowUp as a nice thing.

I know it wasn't the real fans, they're nice and so sweet but it still hurt like hell.

We got home at ten-ish and then Luke and Mikey really started fretting over me and I couldn't stop crying and it was all just messy. Then Luke got mad because he couldn't get a word out of me and he threw a plate at me.

I passed out when it hit me and woke up a few hours later in my bed. Alone.

The bruise on the left side of my face is a nice purple-ly blue and is really painful.

I spent the rest of the night sobbing in my bed. I'm running out of tears.

I haven't spoken or seen either of the other boys and I worried they might hate me.

I don't want them to hate me Ash.

-Calum

July 29, 2014

Dear journal,

Mikey talked to me just after I finished up my last entry. He was really mad and yelled at me a lot. I don't think I cried as much as I did when ash died, but I still cried so damn much.

After a while Mikey calmed down and we just talked for a while. He says Luke's just as upset as we are, he just doesn't know how to deal with it.

Apparently Luke went out and got drunk and came home. Michael kicked him out for the night.

Luke hasn't come back.

Our band is crumbling into nothing without Ashton. I'm worried Ash. So, so worried.

What if we all separate and I never see them again. I couldn't live with that, plus it'd most likely be my fault.

I hate living without you Ash.

-Calum

*****

Whoa I actually got off my lazy ass and published a fanfic wow

so this is going to be angst I guess

It may be triggering, I don't know, just don't read if self harm is triggering, I don't want anyone getting hurt.

Vote and comment? :)