Years Without You - Cashton

September 2014

September 7, 2014

Dear journal,

I finally got on Twitter again. It's so weird, there are so many updates and I can barely understand anything. After nearly ten minutes of struggling I figured out how to send a tweet, all it said was Hi and it got a crap ton of retweets and responses.

Most of the responses were nice fans asking me how I was and how the band was, (Are we even a band anymore?) but some were insensitive little fucks and were asking about the panic attack.

For example : @lukes_ass_is_mine(Hey if this is real I'm really sorry): @Calum5SOS what was the panic attack about you stupid fuck 

Or, my favorite, @fuck_me_mikey: Hey you weak peice of shit did you have another panic atack writing this twwet?

Great grammar.

Even though the good tweets outweigh the bad I still feel sick to my stomach every time I read one.

-Calum

September 13, 2014

Dear journal, 

Luke is so disgusting. 

He still smokes, and it's stinking up the whole house.

I could've dealt with horrible depression, or being abused (which he has fortunately stopped doing), but no. The one bad thing that just had to stay was the stupid fucking smoking. I hate it so much, I've even confronted Luke about it.

He says he's trying to cut back, but it's still an excessive amount out cigarettes a day. Even the fans know at this point because he goes out so often to buy packs. They are all "omg so sexy lukey be my sugar daddy", well the majority at least. Others are plain disgusted and I am 100% on their side.

When we go to the therapist he"ll smoke while we're waiting for Michael to pick us up and I have to resort to standing far away from him which I do not want to do because the neighborhood the office is in is shady, and I am 110% sure that at one point in our life we will be mugged there. Luke will be too busy smoking and I will die, its guaranteed. 

I really don't know why it bothers me so much, because Michael doesn't notice at all, but its been bugging me for days so I've had to rant to you, journal.

-Calum

September 17, 2014

Dear journal,

I feel so terrible, it's like my stomach has been ripped out.

After my rant the other day I gathered the willpower to talk to Luke and let's say it was, extreme...

Here is how I think it should have gone:

"Luke stop smoking it's nasty.'

"Okay Calum, you're right, it's gross and I need to stop."

Then Luke would stop smoking and all would be okay.

But noooooooooooo.

It went like this:

"Luke stop smoking it's nasty." 

"Shut up Calum." *he breathes his nasty ass smoke in my face and my eyes begin to water*

"You're making the house smell and you're killing yourself and the two of us." * I motion to Michael, who is playing some computer game for the 7th straight hour* 

"Shut up Calum it's not that bad, here, have one' *he offers me some gross thing that will not be named*

"Are you kidding me Luke? No, it's absolutely disgusting!" *By now my eyes are tearing up and it looks like I'm crying* 

"Fucking wimp."

I'm not going to write anymore because after that it gets really graphic and this journal must stay PG-13, but let's just say now Luke is going to some anti-drug place for three months because he left and overdosed on crack in some alley and Liz is pissed at him. I also have a large bruise on my rib cage and several on my face from the fight Luke and I had before he left and they really fucking hurt.

We were finally getting better and now it's crumbling again.

-Calum

September 29, 2014

Dear journal,

I feel like I'm drowning in loneliness.

Michael won't talk to me because he's always out doing band stuff or playing a dumb game.

Luke has no form of outside contact for three months.

And Ashton is dead.

According to Google he'd be mostly bones but would still have a little flesh left on him.

Beautiful thought. I can't talk to a pile of bones.

So, of course, that's exactly what I go do.

I've taken up visiting Ash every day, and talking to him for hours on end. It helps while I'm there, but once I get home I feel worse than I did before I left in the morning. It's not helping at all now that I think about it, but it's the best thing I have.

The therapist bribed it how I feel out of me and now he has me on another antidepressant and I have a anonymous group therapy thing to go to. It's stupid and none of this is helping.

With every 'happy' pill and therapy session I feel worse and worse, like I'm in the middle of the ocean and I've forgotten how to swim.

-Calum

Hey sorry for my lack of activity, I've flown across the entire US to visit some family members for a month and jetlag was a bitch. The time change is finally in tune, so I'll try to update more.

Vote and comment please. :)