Years Without You - Cashton

November 2014

November 2, 2014

Dear journal, 

I feel so terrible. I tried so hard, and now it was all for nothing.

The red lines that adorn my wrist are the sign of my failure, and they will never disappear.

I'm a failure.

-Calum

November 11, 2014

Dear journal,

It's stupid, life. One moment your life is the best it's ever been and you couldn't be happier, when suddenly your boyfriend is a major car accident and dies on impact. Then your life goes to shit as you spiral into a pit of depression and panic attacks.

I haven't talked about the panic attacks much, have I? 

After Luke left I had another one, but I don't really remember it because I passed out at some point during it. I asked Mikey about it the other day and it was really upsetting because he talked about how he walked in on me sobbing and gasping for air and how he thought I was dying. He held me after I passed out until I woke up because he was scared if he left he'd come back and it'd be happening again.

I don't know where'd I be without Michael. Probably dead, hanging from the rafters of our attic.

Last night I almost had a panic attack as well. Michael opened the bathroom door without knocking just as I was putting a razor away, and I nearly shit myself. Fortunately he thought I was jacking off. (How he even got that idea I have no clue.) 

I don't know if I really believe him. Michael's a good liar, and it's hard to see the truth in his words.

-Calum

November 17, 2014

Dear journal, 

It's almost Michael's birthday, and we're flying back to Australia to celebrate with our families. I think my birthday present will be the best, I've worked so hard to get it.

After hours of negotiating with a crabby receptionist and a significantly nicer doctor, I got Luke a one day pass to celebrate Mikey's birthday with us.

I need to go pack. 

Are razors allowed on planes?

-Calum

November 21, 2014

Dear journal,

I don't think I've ever had a worse hangover.

Last night was insane. When Luke arrived at Mikey's house, Michael cried his eyes out and planted a kiss on the other boy's lips. 

To say I was shocked was an understatement. 

My best friends (the ones that are still breathing), have been dating since April and didn't fucking tell me. 

They explained that they were waiting for, "the right moment" and after Ash died they didn't know how to come out without hurting me. I told them it was fine(even though I felt like killing myself right then and there), and we spent the afternoon catching up and doing dumb shit that didn't seem that fun without Ashton.

When I finally left at like 11 to take Luke back I could barely hold back tears. 

I've decided that that would be the last time I'm going to see them. Luke and Michael remind me of Ash too much. 

After I dropped him off I went home and stole some beer from my parents, I don't remember much after that, I just remember waking up in a pool of my own blood at 4 AM with this massive hangover.

I don't know how I'm even alive, the cuts on my wrists are so deep and my thighs are covered scratches that still ooze blood when I move my legs.

I should be dead.

-Calum

November 27, 2014

Dear journal,

I feel like reopening my cuts.

I'm so alone.

-Calum

November 30, 2014

Dear journal, 

Michael is moving back in with his parents and finishing up school, so we've getting rid of our London house. I'm going to go back to London.

I couldn't leave Ashy all by himself. He hated being alone, and I'm not coldhearted enough to just stay away and try to get better. He's killing me even though he's not alive.

-Calum

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