Years Without You - Cashton

January 2015

January 19, 2015

Dear journal,

I failed.

I failed and I had to look at my friends cry. I watched them and saw their anxiousness on the nights at the beginning when I got really bad.

I have to see my family's expressions of relief every morning when I walk into the kitchen still alive.

Why couldn't I have just died in that cemetary, why did Luke's letter have to come so early?

I hate every breath I take without Ashton.

- Calum

January 24, 2015

Dear journal,

Luke and Michael spend the night all the time, and it's awful.

When I wake up in the middle of the night, and wonder where Ash is before it hits me and I cry, they are always there. Their attempts at comfort weren't that good after the first four times.

It feels like they're sick of me, and I can't stand it. I bet they are wishing I was dead now, all I do is bother them with my silly problems.

My lovesick problems are making me go insane, and I hate it.

I hate living.

I hate all of this.

I hate my life.

I hate myself so much.

-Calum

January 29, 2015

Dear journal,

My parents are forcing me to go to therapy.

My therapist is a cunt.

She's doesn't listen to me, not really. I saw her little shitty notepad after our session and it was covered in doodles.

Bitch.

This therapist was the worst birthday present ever.

Like I wake up the morning of my birthday, and the first thing I see is my parents giving me a schedule for therapy.

They didn't even say happy birthday, just, "Here go to therapy, it'll help."

That's all they said to me, all day.

They're idiots.

They think it'll help, but I'm just suffering more.

Luke and Michael came over, they were nice. I told them I didn't need anything, but they got me a couple vinyls and a box of junk food.

We had fun that night, just screwing around on my old Xbox.

I smiled, like a genuine smile.

They should be my therapists not Miss Bitch.

I'd be happier if that happened.

-Calum

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This is so short omf I'm sorry

School starts the second for me, so I might update only once a week, sorry

Love you :)