Years Without You - Cashton

October 2014

October 3, 2014

Dear journal,

I feel diffent now that I've gone to this new group therapy. 

A 'Hey I'm finally feeling better yay!' feeling is 100% the opposite of how I'm feeling. I feel like I'm suffocating from the pressure this group therapy puts on me, it makes me feel like my problems are nothing compared to the other people's problems.

For example, this lime green haired chick has been depressed since she was 14 and was abused for like a year by her girlfriend.

My problems are nothing compared to Lime.

A brunet guy is bipolar and can't control himself sometimes.

I'm just a little depressed, Brunet has it so much worse.

Why does my therapist think this will make me better? It's not helping at all.

-Calum

October 5, 2014

Dear journal,

I talked to Michael about the group therapy and how I felt about it yesterday over pizza and soda.

He cried.

I don't understand why he did. He just kept ranting on about how I wasn't seeing the extent of my depression, and it kept me up all night. What if I am more depressed than I think I am?

The very thought terrifies me.

-Calum

October 12, 2014

Dear journal,

Michael has been spending more time with me, trying to make me happy. We go out at least once a day, even if it's just to grab some groceries. He doesn't want me to stay cooped up, he says it doesn't help at all.

I remember when Michael was depressed and he rarely left his room for anything, and how hard it was for him to get over it; so I try. 

I don't want to be this way, but I can't help it. I'm getting worse, even with Mikey's help.

-Calum

October 17, 2014

Dear journal,

I feel disgusting. 

The idea that my problems are nothing compared to the other people in my support group came up today, cause my stupid fucking therapist mentioned it to the lady who runs the group. Lime went over to me and started cuddling me. I felt so pissed that this bitch felt it necessary to go over and violate my personal space for no damn reason. 

No one, I mean fucking n-o o-n-e besides my family and the boys can touch me like that stupid girl did. Her hands went to all the wrong spots. One was on my shoulder and the other on my junk while she pressed her whole body against mine, that is not how you cuddle.

Ash would hold me so my head rested in the crook of his neck and I could smell him. His right hand would play with my hair while his left hand traced words like, 'I love you', and 'beautiful' into my back. His legs would be intertwined with mine while the TV shows played softly in the background because we'd long forgotten about them. Besides, why would I watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians when I could stare at Ashton's pretty face for endless hours until we feel asleep, entangled in one another. 

This started out really angry and was meant to be a rant, but now there are wet splotches all over this page from my tears.

I'm sorry.

-Calum

October 23, 2014

Dear journal,

I've been having bad thoughts every time I visit Ashton's grave.

What would it be like to be dead? Would I see Ash again?

-Calum

October 31, 2014

Dear journal,

I just got back from a party Michael made me go to, and I've done something terrible.

Blood won't come of these pages like tears do.

-Calum

Hey you, yeah you. This is what you get haha fuck you.

Okay now to the normal people who aren't monsters: You are awesome and pretty and I love you.

Vote and comment please! :)