This is the least excited for a
Birthday
I have ever been.
I don't want a day full of
Fake smiles
All of us
Pretending
Everything is the same as it was
Last year.
It's not.
We will never be exactly the same
As we were before
It happened.
The thing that drove a permanent stake
Through this family's heart.
We don't feel like a family
Anymore.
Full of constant fear
Of doing something wrong.
I don't want the whole in this heart
To be fixed with presents.
I don't want your expensive gifts
Your custom designed cakes
Your attempt at showing me everything is
Fine.
Because it's not
I don't know that it ever will be
Again.
You don't know me anymore because you
Don't listen.
You've been so caught up in your bullshit
That you don't stop to even hear mine.
Now is when I need help the most.
I left everything.
In the pursuit of what you told me would be
Happiness.
I thought I'd be happier here
That some of the weight would be lifted
Off my shoulders.
I got a goddamn mountain thrown
On top of me.
Pushing me lower than I ever before
To a place I didn't know existed.
A place I thought I'd never have to deal with.
This isn't supposed to be what our family is
This isn't who you're supposed to be
This isn't who I'm supposed to be.
I don't know who I am anymore.
My foundation
Everything I've ever know
Has turned to shit
Within a matter of months.
You ask me what I want for my big
20th birthday.
I want my life back.
The life I once thought would last
Forever.
