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tw// suicide mentions

"So, Mr Lee," I winced at the way he pronounced my name; slowly and delicately, as if he was trying his best to not hurt me. It was kind of him, but it only made me feel even more alienated than I already felt coming here. The doctor eyed my file briefly and then gently set it on the desk, clasping his hands together with a wide, toothy grin. "how are you feeling?"

My first instinct was to shrug. Normally, that didn't sit well with any of my therapists, but this one in particular seemed too determined to fall down at the first curveball I threw at him. "I don't know." I eventually muttered, shifting under his intense stare.

It wasn't a lie; I didn't know how I felt. It had been roughly five weeks since I left the hospital, and whilst I would love to consider myself all healed up, I knew deep down that I was far from it. It was something I didn't often give much thought to, that - mainly because it made a uncomfortable feeling settle in my chest at the thought of if I had succeeded.

I would think of what the last few weeks would be like without me, and for moments it doesn't seem too bad, but slowly I begin to see that if I was to go out like that, I would take a lot of people with me. Perhaps not physically, but mentally and spiritually? Definitely.

"Have you spared a thought regarding your suicide attem-" he paused when I suddenly inhaled.

Suicide. The weight the word carried suddenly hit me all at once, and for the first time since, I wanted to beat myself into the ground for even considering being so selfish.
My mind flicked to my friends, my family, Changkyun, who sat on the other side of this door.

How could I possibly do that to him?

Easily.

There it was.

"Apologies, I should have phrased it better. But regardless, have you?"

"Not really," I responded after some long moments. "it's hard."

"Hard," he repeated after me, scribbling notes on a notepad. "as in it makes you feel uneasy?" I nodded. "Why?"

"Because I nearly died."

"And how did that make you feel?" He articulated seconds after silence. "Did you feel - at any time before you got medical treatment - any regret?"

"I did."

"For any particular reason? Say..family? A significant other-"

"Can we pick this up next week?"

He paused momentarily. "Of course. But before you go, how does Lee Minhyuk feel - the real Lee Minhyuk, because what we have here is purely a shell of who you truly are. So, how does Lee Minhyuk feel."

I stared blankly at the piece of paper he slid to me, before grabbing a pen.

Lee Minhyuk feels dead.

Changkyun shot out of his seat as soon as I gently closed the door behind me. I walked past him, only gesturing with my head for him to follow me as I lead the way out with a sigh.

"So?" He asked carefully. "That's it?"

"Yeah."

"Why- are they freaking sleeping in there?! Why aren't they helping you?!" He demanded angrily.

"Hey, relax. They are; I just asked for them to carry on in the next session. Too much at once isn't good," I forced a smile. "I'll get somewhere."

The previous hard expression on his face softened considerably. "If you say so. In that case, how about ice cream? My treat."

"Are you kidding me? Am I a child?" Changkyun continued to look at me with a knowing stare. "You're too damn right, let's go."