Save Me

Loser

I woke up in the morning, as always, covered in cold sweat lying on the floor, at 4 in the morning. This is normal for me, I did not even bother to get up.

Every time I lose more, I lose control of my life, I lose consciousness, I lose words, I lose my life.

It's been a long time since I've been alone, I do not remember what it's like to have a real conversation with someone, I've never had friends but I still talk to people, now that's impossible, I lose the words.

Honestly I do not know how people look at me, am I healthy? Am I aware? I do not know anymore. When I was 10 years old I met a man who had an illness, I never knew exactly what it was but they told me I was crazy and that I did not get close to him, when I tried to talk we could not have a conversation, he always spoke alone, he forgot what he was going to say and he could not stop moving, I know I'm not like that but, I do not want to be, I guess I'll have to do something. Or maybe I'll just die soon.

Humans are domesticated, we believe that we are the ones who do it but not really, we are like puppets, they handle invisible threads that make us do things we do not want.

I have never fit into the world, I have never been to a party, I have never had friends, I have never had family or a relationship.

People feel hope, hope can change everything, it can give you one more day of life. I do not feel anything but deep down I think that I do have a little hope of changing and for the first time, living a normal life like all people. But for that I need to change. The more I think about it the less I think I can do it but I know that nobody is going to save me and that if I want to change my life I have to save myself.

I've done a lot of damage to people, if I had not done it maybe, just maybe it would have been my friends? Will there be someone in the world who will want to approach me? I do not think so.

Sometimes when I get out of this emptiness and try to change, but i smiled and no one appreciates my smile so I give up again.

I have no injuries to my body, bleeding cuts, bruises or blows, but I know that my heart is bleeding. And no, I'm not dead but, not having a reason to exist is the same as being. Someday when I stop wandering through life, I hope I can close my eyes without regrets. Losing my fears, losing complexes, remorse and closing my eyes happily, Is that possible?

I left my room and went to the kitchen to eat something, I usually do not like it and not because I have any food problem, it's just because I do not want to do it, but every time I'm very hungry, I don't hesitate to eat. And when there is not enough to prepare something I go to the supermarket to buy food.

I open the window so that the air can touch my face and I stay a few minutes standing in front of it, the air is very strong. I like to feel the small natural pleasures of life even if they are ephemeral. I wish I could feel free.

Sometimes all I want is not to wake up anymore, sleep forever, asked me if I'll die soon or maybe I'll finish it myself, I just want to stop feeling this deep pain, not feel anything else.

"At the end of the day, I'm just a loser, who will lose his life very slowly."