seasonal change || graire ✔️

Chapter 26

G R A Y

"I'm done. I'm out for a walk." I told the old man inside as I closed the shop's door shut.

It's been three weeks since then. Since the blonde farmer ended everything between us. Since she ended every connection between us. She's tired, I guess. It should have been making me happy now, since she finally let me go, but heck, it's not. Ever since that fateful day, all I can ever think of is her. She managed to get me all boggled out for three weeks already. She's making me stressed out, and honestly, I have no idea of what to do to get her out of my mind. She's something I find hard not to think about. That girl, that Claire Adams, is someone who can manage to get me irritated at one point, but can also manage to reveal my soft spot to other people. And it's annoying, it's freaking annoying.

I had planned to go to the library, but I lost all the urge to go after I remembered how I'm not in the mood to hear Mary asking me questions, if I'm okay or some shit. I get it, she's nice and caring to the people around her, but I don't need those questions right now. What I want is silence, and that's the reason why I'm going to her place, actually. A sigh escaped my lips as my feet shifted directions and ambled towards a different way.

My figure looked over a pond- a spring actually- and I stared once again at my own reflection. Images of a certain corn-haired, blue-eyed girl started appearing on my mind, not leaving it after then. It started remembering the days when we met each other, when I was rude towards her because she accidentally bumped on me on the streets. Many memories have kept replaying inside my mind, and I didn't notice that my tears have already streamed down my eyes at the sudden realization that I had.

I still love Claire Adams.

I still am in love with her no matter what happened between us. Until now, she's the reason why I still can't let myself be happy with another girl. Until now, I still find her to be my reason to smile once again. No matter how many times my brain told me that she isn't my happiness, that what she'll bring me are just mere sadness and pain, she's still the sun for me. And this sudden realization made me realize that I was being a total dumbass when I pushed her away from me.

You're really stupid, Gray. It's good that you know.

When she wasn't after me, I pushed her away, thinking that I might end up getting hurt because there's a huge possibility that she won't end up with me, but now that she's actually giving me her time, here I was, doing the same thing I did before. Pushing her away was the worst thing I've ever did in my life, because honestly, whenever I keep on giving her a cold shoulder, it felt like I'm dying inside. Because I hate seeing pain painted all over her face. I was never okay with the idea of her crying. Yet that's what I always make her cry because I am so stupid. But now was so different. She cried, yeah, but she gave up. She totally gave up on me. And that was shittiest thing I can ever think of happening to me.

I totally had her. She was asking for my forgiveness to restore what we had back then, but I was too selfish to give her what she wanted, what I needed. When she was actually there to be my friend again, I shoved her away, afraid to experience pain again. It was because of this fear that's why I lost her. I was a great coward because I keep running away from my fears, from what I am scared about. I was never strong enough to face them. I was self-centered because I only thought of protecting myself from pain. And so, I lost the most important person who never wanted anything but to be friends with me once again.

It was then that I realized how much I still wanted her in my life- no, how much I still needed her. My life was bleak when I still haven't met her. It was dull when she had left the town. It became colorless when she ended our friendship. Well, no maybe. Maybe it started becoming all miserable when I pushed the sunshine out of my way. Yeah, call me an idiot, I deserve it.