Unrequited

Not Healing - Fall, 1989

Arianna coming to the hospital to see John, turned him around completely. Firstly, with her curled up beside him, he slept solidly without crying out or being restless. It had been a very long time since he had slept that well. When the nurses came in to check his vitals, they realized how relaxed he was and that they had not needed to sedate him. He had stopped fighting the nurses and doctors. Then Arianna fed him his first few mouthfuls of soft food, baby food, basically, and he drank more water. He was definitely on the right path to getting better. And it was all thanks to Arianna.

The nurses were so pleased with his turnaround that they agreed to let Arianna stay in John's room with him. They removed the restraints from his wrists and did everything they could to make Arianna as comfortable as possible. As the days passed, John got stronger. With Arianna's help, he started walking the corridors to fight off the muscle atrophy. Soon, he was putting on weight again and beginning to feel better. He had a long road ahead to recover fully, but he had time off and the means to get there. Everyone around him was pleased with the steps forward he had made. Arianna, indeed, had been the key to his recovery.

Two weeks after John was admitted, he was released from the hospital, having regained enough weight and strength to leave the constant care. Arianna stayed at his townhouse with him, ensuring that he ate properly and did the physical therapy exercises given to him to restrengthen himself. And as he got better, he started to ask the questions that Arianna had wanted to avoid.

He asked if she had missed him, if she had been seeing anyone else, if she was angry with him for choosing Renee, and many, many other questions. They ended up talking for hours about all that had happened between them over the past nine years. Some of it was good, and of course, a lot of it was bad.

"Why do you keep coming back to me? I'm such a wretch," he said one afternoon as Arianna sat beside him. She reached over and took his hand in hers.

"Because I love you. I always have. Yes, even with all of the bad stuff. We have some sort of connection that I cannot explain, but it's always there, even when we're apart," she explained.

John just closed his eyes. How could she feel that way about such a fuck up like him? He hated himself for everything that he had ever done to her. He had broken her heart so many times, and he was surprised that she could even stand to look at him. Yet, there she was, right beside him and loving him once again.

"Why do you allow me back into your life? You know I'm only going to push you away again," he said with all honesty, not to hurt her, but because he knew how he had behaved with her in the past. And a part of him doubted that he would change. Even for her.

"Because one day, you are going to realize what we have, and you won't push me away," she answered, giving him a soft smile.

"But what if I don't?" he argued.

"You will, John. I believe in that, and I believe in you. And until then, I will wait for you. You and I are meant to be together. I will wait for you until you realize that," she said with a smile, kissed his cheek, and got up to make lunch.

Arianna stayed with John for a little over a month. By then, he was close to being fully recovered, and both of their jobs were demanding their attention. She hated leaving him but knew it was time. So, she packed her things. She begged him, as she already had done so many times, not to drink or do drugs. He agreed, and she told him to call her if he needed to talk. With a kiss on his cheek, she was off.

On her flight back to the States, Arianna thought about the time she had spent with John. Even though she had poured her heart out to him and told him how she felt about him, he had not kissed her even once, let alone made any overtures to make love. And she had slept in his bed with him every night. She figured he was too busy recovering to show her any physical love. He might not have had the strength. His recovery had been her main priority anyway. She just hoped he would stay clean this time.

After Arianna left, John returned to his bed to rest. There were times when he still felt tired, and he had found that napping was his best course to take. As he slid between the covers, he got a whiff of Arianna's perfume. He was going to miss her. She had been right there beside him for weeks, and he had not touched her at all. He couldn't. He didn't want to hurt her anymore. And if they weren't involved, he couldn't hurt her. He needed to learn to live life without her. He needed to become a better man without her. He just needed to be without her. No matter how much his heart ached for her.

When John returned to the studio, things went well, but he became detached, disenchanted, and distracted with the music. Besides, as usual, they really didn't need him to record anything that often. He was bored. And his addictions were screaming for his attention. So he succumbed to them.

It wasn't long before he was out in the London party scene, being seen and seeing. That was where he met the beautiful, blonde goddess that was Amanda deCadenet. She was full of life, a heavy partier, and young. Eleven years younger than John. He was bewitched. They fell head over heels in lust, fueled by their drug and alcohol abuse.

Arianna? Who was that?