Against The Odds: Guarded

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Lmfao i wanna write so many different books. But i wanna do one with Maya getting pregnant.

MAYA POV

Lucas turned his back on me and I made it halfway up the stairs before I turned around and saw the door to the basement close. It was almost metaphorical, another barrier between us representing the one that I’ve built not in one day, but over a period of time. Every time that I agreed to do something with Peyton, the threads of our already frayed relationship were pulled wearing down the fabric of our foundation. He’s pissed at me, beyond angry but what kills me inside the most is knowing that there is more hurt there than anything else. It was the most dominant emotion fighting out against all the others and it literally brought me to my knees to know that I was the reason for so much of his despair.

My heart felt as if it were constricting in my chest as I pulled myself up the remainder of the stairs by the railing and when I got into his room I closed the door before collapsing on the bed, pulling a pillow to my face to drown out my sobs. What I hate to admit is that everything that he said was true. Peyton pulled me in and I was there thoughtlessly at his beck and call when I knew how it would damage us. My every thought at that bar before the revelation of Smackle's guilt was hoping that Lucas wouldn’t find out about what I was doing, when I shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

I’ve been so conflicted by the holes in my memory from what happened over the summer that I had forgotten that my time here is limited and numbered, just as my days at Maudsley were. I haven’t put a single thought in what to do when Dr. Koch calls our time here a wrap and that scares me beyond anything else. How could I be so blind and naïve to allow time to slip through my fingertips? I could barely breathe and my chest and head ached from the sobs that shook my frame. Every negative thought is running through my mind at once and I know that I’m having another anxiety attack but I didn’t bring my pills to stop it from getting worse. He’s the only one who knows how to stop them without a pill that has to be swallowed. He’s my cure, my only solution and I need him now. The more I think about it, the more that I come to realize that I need Lucas just as much as he needs me, if not more.

I could feel myself become light headed and the more I tried to calm myself the worse the attack gets. My brain is repaying me for tonight and just when I think that I can relax and go to sleep, another negative makes its way into my mind stirring me to an unsafe level. I look at the clock in his room and it’s already half past two in the morning. Is he sleeping now? Will he be willing to help? I question myself all the while managing as much strength that I can muster before I push up off of his bed. His scent engulfs me and leaves me yearning to be next to him, where I feel calm and most secure. I climb out of the bed, still fully clothed and make my way back down the stairs as quiet as I can be before I reach the basement door.

My heart races in my chest when I put my hand on the door knob and my anxieties reawaken. What if he turns me away? He would have every right to do so, but I know I wouldn’t be able to bear it. I slowly turn the handle and pull the door open to be met with the faint lighting of a television and a low volume. As I descend down the stairs quietly I stop when I see him lying under the makeshift cot he’s made for himself on the couch where I gave myself to him completely only four months ago.

He was shirtless and I could see all of his tattoos faintly by the dim lighting of the tv. There was a thick blanket covering his bottom half and his back leaned against the arm of the couch as he stared at the screen, not really paying attention to what was happening, but in deep thought instead. I went down another step causing it to creek from the pressure put on it, when he turned his head quickly, snapping out of his daze and meeting my eyes before I started to feel myself breakdown again.