Against The Odds: Guarded

30

LUCAS POV

When I got into Dr. Bakers office I was on edge, annoyed, and frustrated with myself. I sat on the couch and went in and out of the conversation she was trying to have with me. I’m so knackered and it’s making it hard to focus in on anything that’s being said. It was almost like sleeping with my eyes open except getting no form of rest or relief from it. My mind was racing trying to think of a thousand ways to tell Maya what I did without it ending us, but no idea no matter how many different scenarios I came up with ended well in my head. I blinked my eyes seeing as how they were going dry from me staring into space. When I refocused them on the plaques on Dr. Baker’s wall behind her, I started to count. Something is different. She got a new one I think. The count has gone up since the last time I’ve been here.

“Blake?”

“Hm? Sorry what?”

“I said I assume you know that I’ve talked to your mother about your disposing of her seating charts for the wedding. Why did you do that?”

I looked at Dr. Baker and opened my mouth to tell her then shut it again. This is a trap. I’m not coming back here due to a behavioral relapse... Am I relapsing? I don’t think I am, but then again my thoughts are clouded, hazed over by lack of sleep and common sense. I’m such an idiot and a puppet like Zay so vividly put it.

I shrugged my shoulders and crossed my arms instead of putting myself into a deeper hole than I’m already in; something I learn is not a good thing to do in front of a person who basically has a degree in body language and accessing your personal thoughts like a thief in the night. Nothing is sacred or safe here in the office of a therapist, especially when it comes to trying to keep things to yourself.

Dr. Baker began to analyze me as she spoke making me feel more uneasy than I already am.

“You’re folding your arms which means you’re guarded and the way you shrugged your shoulders tells me that you’re trying to brush off the question even though you have an answer to it. What are you hiding Blake?”

There’s that question again, the question of the day apparently. I didn’t want to answer it earlier when Maya asked and I won’t want to answer it now. If I do, my chances of living alone before I turn twenty-one will be slim to none. I need out of that house as soon as my mother gets married. I open my mouth to speak but yawn unexpectedly. My body knows that I’m tired, if only my mind can catch up or slowdown, whatever would allow me to close my eyes first.

Dr. Baker looks at me again, more closely this time and I sit back into the couch trying to run away from her invasive gaze. Her grey-blue eyes seem to study my face and I can feel myself contorting it. Why does she have to look at me so closely.

“Are you alright Lucas? You look tired, drained actually. Have you been sleeping?”

SHIT!

I turned my face away slightly before I answer both of her questions, changing the subject back to a touchy one for me to evade the truth hidden behind the dark circles under my eyes.

“I’m fine thanks...It was a mistake. I didn’t mean to throw away her charts. I put them in my pocket and I thought they were something else when I put them in the bin. When me and my mum argued, I was annoyed already with Ma-, with someone that I work with. That’s why I went off. I told her sorry.” I did apologize, but it hasn’t helped much. I’m sorry it hurt her, not sorry for what I did.

Dr. Baker put down her pen and took off her glasses rubbing her eyes in frustration. She’s not the only one who can read people, but I’m sure that psychiatrists aren’t supposed to show their frustrations when they know that a patient is completely hopeless.