Against The Odds: Guarded

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LUCAS POV

When Maya went upstairs, there was no point in me trying to sleep. My heart was still racing from the feel of her, so beautiful and vulnerable. I tried to shake the feeling afterwards, but I couldn’t. Every time I blinked I could see us connected with nothing in-between, a perfect fit in front of me. It almost felt like I could reach out and touch the memory that was formed only an hour ago. It was torturing me. I want to touch her again and feel her wrapped around me so tight and warm, but I don’t want her to think what she did and what she keeps doing to me is okay. I could feel her staring at me after it was over, her blue eyes pleading for the tiniest crack in my resolve and if I would have looked at her, my boundaries would have shattered at my feet. I don’t have the strength to keep her at an arm’s length, so close yet so far away from me. She’s only upstairs, in my room at that, but she feels so fucking far. Every time she deceives me she pushes me away but right now I want nothing more than to hold her close to me and have her in my arms. For that reason alone I know it was a mistake. We shouldn’t have done that. Sex with her, no, making love to her always seems to cloud my judgment and now is no different.

I turned off the television, becoming quickly annoyed with the early morning adverts and mostly with myself as my thoughts took hold making my resistance towards her weaker and weaker. I pinched my lip and then ran a hand through my hair as my internal battle riled within me. The lines between what I should and shouldn’t do about the situation became more muddled, and just as I was about to head upstairs and take my meds to try and lessen my frustration with the whole issue, sunlight began to peak through the basement window.

I quietly maneuvered through the kitchen popping a mood stabilizer while putting a kettle on for tea before I grabbed my jumper off of the back of the dining room chair and went outside in the back garden. The air was chilled, probably much too cold for me to only be clothed in joggers and a zip up but I needed to clear my head. I sat down on the patio bench and watched as the sun’s rays continued to elevate in the sky when I heard the sliding door open. I looked to see who was behind me and allowed myself to smile a bit when my mum handed me my mug. I must have been out here longer than I thought I’ve been.

“You’re up early.” My mum spoke as she came and took a seat next to me and I nodded my head before taking a sip of my freshly brewed drink. Part of me wants to tell her I’ve been up all night, but I figure that’s not the best thing to do, she worries too much.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m okay.” My response didn’t even convince me and I mentally slap myself when I realize who I’m talking to. She’s going to pester me for answers now. I know that my mum only tries to help but sometimes she’s too overbearing.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I do but not with you. It sounds bad, but it’s the truth. I glance over at her and grin before shaking my head no.

“Did you and Maya fight?” I widen my eyes before I feel my eyebrows furrow and when my mum see’s my expression she raises her hands in defense and says sorry before rubbing my back and speaking again.

“You guys will be alright. I haven’t seen a relationship quite like yours you know. You are both so drawn to each other and emotionally connected at such a young age. It’s definitely something to watch.” The more she talks the more intrigued I become.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that the pair of you have been through a lot in the early stages of your relationship. You’re still learning each other and the fact that the two of you have found ways to make it work when most would have broken up by now show how strong the two of you are together. You two are a match. Even when I wasn’t so fond of Maya after she left, I knew that the two of you were right for each other. You shouldn’t let anything come between that. What ever happened, you’ll be able to make it through again if you want to.”