WORLD GONE MAD ➳ FTWD

iv. FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED

Troy and Nick were running for their lives as the dam was beginning to fall to nothing but rubble and a lost opportunity. They were both panting and afraid to lose the other to the unpredictable. Their legs were numb, hearts were racing and their faces were red but they kept on pushing themselves as more and more adrenaline kept pumping through their bodies. They were so close to making it out of the explosion alive when suddenly the sky began to darken. The noise of the explosions dwindled and Nick stopped in place. Madison was standing in front of them with blood all over her body, her hair, and her clothes. She was holding a hammer and glaring at Troy so intensely that Nick could feel Madison's soul leave her body. He felt the urge to shield Troy from Madison but he was frozen in place with fear. Troy's reaction to Madison was... unusual, to say the least. He wasn't afraid or shocked. He was calm and unphased by the confusing events that were now taking place. Nick looked at Troy and observed him. He was expressionless and almost robotic like. It was as if Troy and Nick forgot that they were supposed to be running for their lives. Nick was shaking him and yelling for him to say something or do something but he wouldn't acknowledge him. "Speak, goddamnit! Where's your mind, Troy?" He leaned close to Troy's face. Troy quickly jerked his head to Nick and moved inhumanly. "Where's your mind, Nicky?". Troy's head began to tilt sideways- like straight out of a horror movie. Nick couldn't comprehend what he was seeing. Is this a nightmare happening, a drug hallucination- had he died and this was his hell? There was no way of telling. A twisted smile formed on Troy's face and blood started pouring out of his eyes. Nick had no time to react to this as he jumped in fright when he felt a tap on his back. He turned around to face Alicia, whose eyes were demonic. He knew it was a physical form of Alicia but it didn't feel like her. "Alicia?" He questioned her breathlessly. She looked like she was in pain and her face was drooping. She had her hand placed on her stomach and when Nick looked down towards her hand he saw fresh blood on different areas of her stomach, bleeding through her shirt. She'd been stabbed multiple times by someone... but by who? Nick was breathing hard and unevenly, he felt like he was being suffocated.  He started crying uncontrollably because of the confusion and darkness consuming him and turned back around to face Madison. "Don't you see what I had to do, Nick?" She said with hate in her voice. "You're not real." Nick fell to the ground and began to rock himself back and forth. "You're a disgrace to this family and you always have been." She threw the hammer to the ground and walked faster towards Nick. Nick kept repeating to himself You're not real, you're not real, you're not real. He was whimpering and had his hands over his ears with his face buried in his knees. "Look at what our Mother did to me, Nick." Alicia was now standing in front of him and leaning over his face with blood dripping onto him from her wound. "Why did you leave us?" She asked. Alicia's words echoed through Nick's ears. He formed his hand into a fist and began punching himself in the head. "Stop it, stop it, stop it!" But the voices wouldn't stop and they were beginning to take over. He couldn't drown them out for much longer. Madison laughed and Alicia kept telling Nick about how horrible of a brother he was to her. The laughter and degrading felt like a never-ending loop of misery. This has to be my hell. Nick thought to himself. This feels way too real to be a dream. He tried so hard to block out the voices but they just kept beating him up in new places every second that passed. His face shook in anger. "Stop it!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, making his face go red and his eyes widen with anger, fear, horror- so many feelings that he had no control over. The voices stopped and Nick slowly looked up only to find that Madison and Alicia were still standing over him. Their faces were blank and their eyes looked to be gashed out. "We found you," Madison said. "Hold him down," Madison commanded Alicia. "What? N-No, No!" Nick was backing up on the ground but he would not be escaping death this time. Madison raised her hammer in the air and swung it in Nick's direction. He let out a bloody scream.

Nick gasped for breath as he leaped out of his bed. He'd never been so afraid in his life, even the dam exploding couldn't have compared to what he just witnessed in his own mind. A mind he was afraid of at times when his thoughts became dark and his actions menacing. "Holy shit-- Nick, are you alright?" Troy was sleeping in a separate room and immediately woke up when we heard Nick scream bloody murder. "I-I-I don't know what just happened, I..." Nick couldn't gather his thoughts quickly enough to form a proper sentence. Troy sat next to Nick on his bed and rubbed Nick's back. "You're alright, Nick," Nick was trembling and Troy's touch gave him goosebumps. Troy leaned closer to Nick's face. "You're safe with me." Nick felt comfort in his presence. His words soothed him-- which was definitely a first for him. He'd never seen a caring or comforting side to Troy, at least not in a way most people would see the caring side to someone. Nick found comfort in Troy in different ways other than this. For instance, Nick could be his true self around Troy. He never feared judgment or had hesitation when it came to being with him. He embraced everything about himself when they were together. Troy is his sense of freedom. "Yeah," Nick cleared his throat. Nick didn't really know how to respond to Troy in that moment of weakness. He felt vulnerable. "You don't have to talk about it, you know," Troy reassured Nick. "I don't want to be left alone right now." Nick tried to sound as put together as possible but Troy could easily see behind his act. "I'll be right here if you need me, Nicky." Nick felt like Troy was looking through the meat on his bones and at his soul. Troy got off of the bed and went to his room to gather a worn blanket for his pallet on the floor. Nick was gripping the mattress. It was just a nightmare. He told himself. He was too scared to be left alone with his thoughts. Nick wanted something— or someone, like Troy,  to get his mind off of the wicked things his mind was tainted with. Troy walked back into the room and laid out his pallet." My back's gonna hurt like hell in the morning," He told him while getting situated. "I owe you, Troy. I really do." Troy was about to crouch down onto the ground when he paused and stared at Nick. He was very quiet. "No, Nick. You don't." Troy touched Nick's hand. Nick slid his hand away and wiped his face off. "You don't get it." He sighed. "Alright, no we're not gonna discuss this." Troy sat straight up. "You saved me. I owe you. Shut the hell up and accept that, would you?" He scolded him and laid down on the floor. Nick would think heavily about Troy's words.

Nick couldn't sleep for the rest of the night tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable position in his bed. He stayed awake for hours on end thinking horribly about the dam and his family. He missed them like a desert misses the rain. Making the decision to leave them was soul crushing for him. The morning crept up on Nick as the hours passed. He glanced down at Troy who was lightly snoring— his snores weren't obnoxious or even the kind that wakes you up or annoys you so much that all you want to do is punch your pillow. They were soft and gentle. Nick smiled at how peaceful Troy looked. At least there are some aspects of Troy that aren't so devilish. He thought to himself. Nick then began to think back to what Troy said. How he owes him and it's not the other way around. Nick still couldn't help but feel an obligation towards him no matter how much Troy could ease his mind. Or maybe it was something else, he really couldn't distinguish his feelings at the moment. Goddamnit, I'm hungry. Nick didn't want to wake Troy just yet. He figured that Troy would need his energy especially since Nick would most likely have a very low amount of it in himself. Nick sat up and stretched out his arms.  Troy was turning on his pallet and trying to lay still to fight the urge to sit up. He just wanted to stay asleep forever and dream about a better life. But he couldn't. "Ugh," Troy grunted as he lifted himself off of the floor. "Rise and shine, Nick." Nick was still sitting on his bed with dark circles under his eyes and a groggy feeling in his stomach. "Morning, Troy." He had a delayed response. It was like Nick was drunk and slurring his words. He could hardly keep his eyes open and barely stand on his own two feet. Not getting enough sleep never seemed to bother him this much. Perhaps it's because it was his demons draining him of life this time. Troy was changing into an olive crew neck. "You hungry?" He asked as he started putting his boots on. "I could eat a horse right now. I'm starving." He plastered on a fake smile. Of course, eating a horse isn't really that unusual in this world anymore. After all, it is the apocalypse and you must do everything you need to do to survive. Nick changed into some clothes as well and headed out with Troy. Nick was walking ahead of Troy because he didn't really feel like making many conversations. Troy stopped him.

"Hey,"

"It's a new day, Nick."

"Yeah, And?"

"We'll start our search for your family tomorrow while we gather supplies today. Just like you wanted." He sounded sincere.

"I wanted to start looking for them a week ago, Troy but you prevented me from doing that. Why now?"

"Because it's been long enough. The only reason I stopped you from going was that we needed to—"

"Yeah, I know. We needed to stay here in case they found their way back and looked for us here. Doesn't matter. One of us could've stayed behind while the other went looking."

"Yeah, but that's the thing, Nick. I—"

There was a long pause.

"What?"

Words weren't coming out of Troy's mouth. He was standing there in frustration, thinking of something to say.

"You didn't want me to leave without you, did you?"

"God, No, Nick. That's not what— I mean, no. No, I didn't I just— what if you never came back, huh? What would I have done then?"

"I'm pretty sure you can survive without me, Troy."

"Maybe."