Schizophrenia (edited)

Lost

Hanbin's POV

'Ninnie-ah~ Did my parents came while I'm asleep?', it has been awhile since Jennie and Jisoo noona arrived -, Jinhwan hyung told the others to leave us alone and I slightly nodded at him as a thank, so there was us three left alone in my room but we simply couldn't get ourselves to start a conversation. After quite sometime I break the awkwardness that's floating in the air. 'Im sorry, friend. I tried calling and texting them a few times but I couldn't seem to reach out to them', since Jinhwan hyung left us alone, my only focus was on Jennie. It's like she was one of the biggest reason for me to keep living this life and im very fond of her. I couldn't stop staring at her but I don't even understand why....or most probably I don't want to understand. After uncle died I really couldn't get my sanity back to normal - I don't even recognise my own feelings, I couldn't tell the difference between happiness and sadness, love and lust, and if it's just mere breakdowns or im really a schizophrenic person(before the doctor confirmed it). But when I heard what Jennie called me earlier, it really struck my heart. I don't know I just-, my heart feels like its aching. All these years am I just really just a friend to her?

Suddenly I remembered the face Jiwon putted on before living my room to call Jisoo noona. I could see the way he acted-, his gaze. I know he cares, but why? Every single day I feel like im losing a piece of my heart. The incident 2 years ago had me broken enough-, added with my sudden mental illness cause by too much stress(well at least that's what my doc says) and then Jiwon hyung started giving me cold shoulder.Mom and dad doesn't bother visiting me when im practically dying and now I'm heart broken because Jennie only thought me as her friend. This is all bullshit. 'Kwon Hanbin!', I don't remember how long I've been spacing out but it really got Jisoo noona annoyed-, since wouldn't usually call me with my full name. 'Oh mianhae noona~', I just simply replied to her and forced a smile. Then my gave shift to my best friend, she was looking at me with worry taking over her eyes. 'Waegerae Binnie-ah? Why were you so lost in you thoughts?', somehow her voice was so soothing to my ears. Even the pain that I had just now was fading away just by her concern voice. Why am I feeling all of this? 'Amboegoetoe aniya~(nothing)', somehow it feels like I can read her - it feels like she was worried sick abt me. 'I was just trying to figure things out~', I tried my best to put on the most pure smile on my lips. Surely she's not satisfied with me answer. 'What happened to the no secrets between us ?', well thank you jennie that really caught me off guard. 'I'll be waiting outside then~ Please have a good chat and please turn down your ego a bit Jennie~ He's still clueless after all that happened you know~', I didn't realized that Jisoo noona was staring at us this whole time - but what's with the turning down her ego and me being all confused? Now I am really confused. I then turn my focus back to the only living this in this room besides me. 'Well better now ? It's just you and me now~ You can tell me if anything's bothering you', I'm so used to Jennie being all caring - like she was replacing my mothers' duty. I suddenly miss her. I know for so long already I can't always depend on her with my problems but I just kept on relying to her since the love and care that she gave me feels so different from anyone else. It feels so right to talk to her - but I just don't wanna burden her anymore with my confusion. 'Hanbin. Do you even hear me?', I just give her a apologizing smile-, good I was lost in my thoughts again. I just need my sanity back. I just want to be normal back or.... just sleep with my late uncle. I would be much easier that dealing with all of these weird shit that I don't even understand. Jennie takes a deep breath and let out a loud sigh, 'I think you're still weak. Please rest ya? I'll be back when you're okayy to talk', why does she sounds so disappointed? But wait....what?! Weak?! Im not weak! This girl! I really need her by my side right now. 'Stay. Please.', I can't keep my mind straight even if I really need a rest, I need her at least to be here with me. I have this feeling that I can't lose her the way I lost jiwon hyung. The feeling that you can't be close with someone you love so dearly, when they're clearly alive. She stopped in front of the door, still not looking back at me. My gaze shift to my window noticing Jennie still didn't take a step backwards or further away. 'Please', was the last thing I said -, almost whispering to myself before someone hugged my waist. I don't have to confirm who it was since she was the only one in the room and I remember missing this hug so badly.

She was hiding her face at the crook of my neck with my back facing her and me facing the window-, still in one of her tightest hug I've ever receive. I can understand the episode of her hug-, maybe she just missed me but I couldn't get myself to understand when I feel numerous of hot tears running down from my neck. 'Stay. Please.', it breaks my heart to her her shaking voice - still I was lost. It took a few seconds for me to asked her what she meant. I try to free myself from her hug but she just grabs my shirt tighter-, as if it's our last hug. ' You've always been lost in you thoughts these past few weeks. Really there's something in your eyes that makes me so worried abt you...that...that makes me feel like I'm gonna lose you', she pauses for awhile to stabilise her breathing. Suddenly I heard something crashed, my eyes started to scan around my area of the room to look for something that has been scattered. Nothing. Then I felt pain inside me - how silly of me to not think of my heart in the first place. I didn't know hearing my childhood friend crying would be so heart breaking. 'Whatever happens, don't leave me.....Binnie. I've witnessed all of your breakdowns after losing your source of strength. It was terrible Hanbin,and...and I don't ever wanna experience the same as you do. You're my source of strength binnie, I can't reach this far if it wasn't for you. After my parents left to Newzealand, you're the only person that I'm holding on to-, but seeing you with this condition the past 2 years had make me stronger. I know that it's my time to take care of you, so please hanbin. Please hold on a little longer. You'll be okayy soon and....I promise to love till the end.', her last 7 words make me came back to reality. She loved me....she still does. She loosen her grip from my waist as she turn my shoulder to face her. I don't know how react to that I was shocked, I was completely blank this time-, I wasn't lost in one of my deep thoughts again, I was just amazed. How can someone as perfect as her be loving a crazy dude like me all this years? Does she really loves me? Or is it just a mere empathy? Oh no in her case it's not sympathy that she's showing it's more of empathy. 'Please. You need to drop your negative assumptions abt me being in love with you Kwon Hanbin! Believe me! I can't lose you anymore! Not now...not ever...', did she just read my thoughts? 'Am I that easy to read?', I gave a an assuring smile to her-, a smile to tell her that I will believe her. 'You're a part of me, of course I know what you're thinking', she smile-, but for once this smile is not the loving smile I used to get back in the days - it's a sad smile. A smile that screams please don't throw my heart away.

'Thank you, Jennie.', is all I managed to say out loud. I couldn't get the last few words out from my mouth I love you too, like it's glued to be there. Damn it hurts. I just don't want her to regret loving me. A schizophrenic person like me would just be a burden for her to love. Furthermore, Im also bipolar - even my other half, Jiwon hyung gave up on me. Now, I just couldn't picture losing Jennie from my life. I dont know if i am able to live after that. Then I realize a drop of tears when down my pale cheek.What a great life.

Im very sorry for not updating. It's just I've been studying on how to improve my writing skills and suddenly I forgot abt it😅 Well 3 more chapters to go!