Schizophrenia (edited)

One Step Closer to Happiness

He's not sure if he's ready to face his cousin whom he loves so dearly - he's afraid that he might still be mad at him after all that he has done and hasn't done. 'Hanbin, It's me. May I come in ?', He gather all his strength push the door knob couldn't get himself to wait for hanbin's answer. Jisoo on the other hand nods at her boyfriend assuring him to continue his actions. As he walk into the room, he saw hanbin's back facing the door. Seems like he still haven't moved from his current position. 'Hey kiddo... is it a good time to talk?', and yes no respond. Once again Hanbin keep being silent.

Jiwon's POV

I can't do this. It's so heart wrenching to see him in this state. He's so....quiet -, facing the window like his life's depend on it. I walk closer to his bed, placing myself at a chair beside his bed. That was when he rip my heart off from my body, 'I'm sorry I fail you - all of you. I don't think I've ever suit to be your leader. I'm sorry for making you follow my lead. I've never wanted all of this to happen - really. I'm sorry because of me, they call our group a flop. I'm sorry I've nothing in common with you guys. I don't think I belong here.', why is he saying sorry all of the sudden? We are the ones who should be sorry to him. My poor heart is aching so bad. Dear God, please forgive me for all the sins that I've made. It seems like all if this happened because of me. If only, if only I kept my promise with Tablo samchun - everything would be just fine. He lets out a sigh, 'You can go now hyung~ Jaewon hyung can take care of me~ besides, him and Jennie is the only who cares...I guess.', He puts in an awe. I never believe that days like this would come. Days where my tears would be dripping of my eyes because of some mere words. 'Hanbin~ please~', I sit at his bed to get a better look at him, but it's no use. He avoids my gave. I tried to push him to face me - but he kept on avoiding me. Kiddo, please...Talk to me buddy...Please let me apologise for all the mistakes I've done...I couldn't even get myself to say the simplest words to him. I'm afraid I might hurt him again. 'Don't you miss me Hanbin?', his expression didn't change one bit. Don't he miss me like I miss him? Can't he see that I still care? 'Why would I miss someone whom had push me away? I'm better off alone Ji - Bobby hyung', no no no no he never calls me Bobby unless he's really upset. Kim Jiwon you really have messed up this time. My gentle heart, it's tearing again. I didn't realised he could tear my heart with just simple words again and again.

'I know I was seldom there with you during your breakdowns. I know I wasn't there to comfort you when you miss uncle Tablo. I know I pushed you away when you clearly needed me - but please. Forgive me, give me a chance to take care of you. The boys - they love you as our leader. In fact I need you to lead us. There's no one else who can complete you position as our leader, our composer. The teams' colour wouldn't complete without you...', there're still many things that I want to say but I can't manage myself to say it all. Due to the tears that's started to fall from the moment I opened my eyes to explain myself. I didn't looked at him when I was explaining - more like I can't look at him. I don't want him to see me sobbing because of him. I don't want to be another reason for him to blame himself. I cried because of my mistake kiddo. It's not your fault. I hope you're not looking. As my thoughts were whispering in me, I felt a pair of hands touched both sides of my shoulder. One of it starts to caress my head - patting it slow but I find it comforting. 'Hyung please don't cry. I'm sorry -', there he goes again apologising although it's not his fault. Before he could even continue I looked up at him and cut his words. 'Hanbin please~ It's not your fault! Stop apologising!', the entire room or I may say the entire house went silent after the words slip out from my mouth. Did I shout too loud? I hope I didn't... Hanbin stopped stroking my head after what I said and someone suddenly knocked the door. 'Bob? Is everything okayy in there?', well I know who that voice belongs to - the cute little voice that does suit his age. Our fake maknae. I turn my head towards the door, oh I forgot I locked the door. No wonder he can't come in. Hanbin on the other hand was looking down at his bed but his face expression was....cold. Neither of us answers Jinan hyung that made him quite frustrated and he knocked the door louder.

'Kim Jiwon! Kim Hanbin! Can't you hear me?'

'Let them be Jinhwan. Let them solve it by themselves. Come sit. Let just wait.'

'Kim Jiwon! You better watch your temper! I don't want us to lose him again!'

Hanbin's Pov

The voice that I have been longing to hear, Kim Jinhwan - Kim Jaewon. But I don't understand what does he meant lose him again? Did they lost me? Where did I go? But that's not important right know. What's important is...this problem that I'm technically facing. Well I'm not facing it obviously since in only looking at the bed sheet after he kinda yelled at me. Words can't describe how I miss my cousin so much. My only cousin (June is my cousin too but not technically since he's not blood related to me). I just can't get myself to disappoint him again. I just wanna get out from these whole situation. I feel like quitting. 'Hanbin please trust me. We need you please don't leave', every words that came out from his mouth is making me mad. Not mad mad. Crazy. I don't know how to give myself a chance. I need Jaewon hyung. I need him to tell me what to do. I look up again - the face that I've been missing. The person that I've been wanting to use his shoulders - to laugh together - to do everything together. Well I'm afraid that won't be real, since the only thing in common we have is our taste in music. We stayed silent for a couple of minutes until I, 'Please...I need to talk to Jaewon hyung', it's not that I don't want to talk with him. I just need some time to think - to calm myself down.