Lost In The Dream

Prologue

When she was in Junior High School, a lawyer visited her journalism class to motivate them and to make them know that their purpose was there. The lawyer asked her, "why are you a journalist?" Hundreds of reason crossed her mind because she would love to impress him, she was thinking of saying that this is what she was born to do but thought that it was not outstanding enough so due to that, her tongue was tied and couldn't say a word. He looked a bit disappointed then said, "why not?" 

There she realized that some times, people only needs a bit of your sarcasm. We should never allow people to question our purpose and our roads, and he taught her that. 

Journalism for her, is a battle cry. 

She turn to writing when she feel things and getting to do it in school and being able to bag crowns for doing it is an honor, a pleasure. So she told herself that she will never trade her writing skills to anything in this world.  It's going to be like a blank canvas for her if she forgets how to let her pen bleed on paper. Just thinking of it makes her sad, actually. 

Then she have decided that she needed to be a lawyer as well. Taking Humanities and Social Sciences for her senior high school studies was the plan, and she never thought that this would work. She needed every single lift she could use because she know that she will be taking more roads less traveled. She thought it's going to be less difficult since she knows how to write, but her beliefs got shattered so she wanted and started relearning things about the society.

She realized how we made this earth a mess, and it's suffocating. How we treat each other is far more worse than how we treat our only motherland. Then she said I needed to change.

So she did.

"Congratulations, smartass." A classmate of hers said in private message. From that moment, she had no idea what he was talking about, she haven't started with her meetings and brainstorming with her research team yet, so what was this about? The next day, as she makes her way to Prof. Choi's research class, her block gave her warm smiles but her teammates. Her eyes narrowed to see the professor there, looking proud and all.

"Oh, there you are. Miss Zim, I have read your proposed topics for the research and I am pleased to tell you that your team has been chosen to represent the university in South Korea."

Her jaw dropped as she try to process what this professor has been trying to tell her and the team. They were to be funded by school so they have to think of nothing but their research. "Oh, plus, you can't say no, the higher tables already signed your papers," He said while stacking his books and putting them in his trolley. He is a good professor, taught her basic laws but he is not the best at grading his students. So a lot of students pretend they don't see him as they walk pass each other the corridors, but of course, it's so hard to not notice him because of his crutch. 

When he left the room, her team started letting out deep sighs. Her head still can't process the information. It was so sudden and they were not oriented, the team only have one Korean who can't even speak Korean fluently. What's going to be so hard about this is that they don't know how we're going to survive. Sure, the money is there but they believe that they have no survival skills at all. They only know it from books but never even tried.

How KPOP Idols cope with mental illnesses. Let that sink in, how hard is it going to be finding the subjects for this research? 

She is now on her way home but felt like not going there at all. Her parents might already know about her transferring to SS University, she is honestly expecting them to throw a huge celebration on this since it's something big and they only see her as their daughter if she deals with something big.

Her feet leads her back home anyway. The unusual atmosphere has taken her aback, and she needed to touch something to calm her nerves so she fidgets with her necklace and bit her lip that she can feel it falling out. But the feeling stopped when she finally reached the living room, should I call for them? Or should I let them find me here?

"Mom? Dad?" she called, trying to sound okay but this home is actually giving her all the nerve and she can't believe she's back here again.

She have been living inside the university dorm for almost two years, the same amount of time she would like to believe how independent she's been. When she got committed on one of the Ivy Leagues, her parents seem to forget that they have her. They usually bring groceries every Monday, until those Mondays became cash deposits on Saturdays.

She have an older brother, a year old to be exact. He's an art student, and their mom's always so proud of him for taking commissions and earning money due to that. He's always the determined one, the one who doesn't even need to try.

Her? She believes that she is a disappointment. People call her the smart one. The pressure it gives, and the disappointment it gives her when she didn't make it to the cut is unbearable. She hates being the smart one.

No one answered her call so she started going around to check on them, but no signs of them were here except for a little note that says:

Hello Zimmy,
Your father and I are at an important appointment until your flight on Friday. We're sorry we can't send you off, but we already deposited cash on your account.

All the best!
-Mom

They didn't even tell her that they're not here. She sighed and scratched her nape. Then she have no other choice but to pack everything she needs from here. She ran to her old bedroom, now a basement. Everything they don't need is here, she's just glad that they never rummage on her stuff.

Now, she feels like she is stronger than ever. She can feel the lift she needed since day one, but nothing has changed, it's still her who gave it to herself. She literally put away all the garbage on top of her bed, and pulled the drawers under it. This is where she keeps her blank journals, and she feel like she needed two or three right now that she's spending her entire year on some foreign land she only get to hear about when she searched the keyword kpop. 

Now that she is alone and thinking, she realized that she always loved kpop. Low-key but yes, she likes the music and the wave. She always feel like the artists are the most humble artists on earth, she remembered doing her first research about it when she was on 10th grade and learned that all of them should undergo years of training and hardships. Some of them experiences success, some of them are reaching still. 

She opened a blank journal and let her fingers remember the touch of its smooth and comfortable sheets. She can't even remember the last time she's written something about herself, she's always writing for her academics, trying so hard to shine and get an A. 

That she's forgotten how to be her.