Carlisle's Diary

Unlovable (Tanya's POV)

Dear Diary: June 17, 2013

As I'm running through the forest, hundreds of thoughts are racing through my mind. I know Marcus is running behind me. He's too afraid to run next to me. I didn't think I was that intimidating. I don't even have a gift like my sister, Kate. It's not like I can zap him or anything. But I think even subconsciously I know why he's weary of me or of my reaction to him, rather. I may not be the smartest vampire on earth, but I wasn't born yesterday, either. I think that Irina's message that I couldn't decipher before had to do with Marcus. I mean, before he told his unbelievable story today regarding being related to Alexander, all I could do was to equate him with the Volturi.

And how could I not? My first memory of Marcus was when he and the Volturi came and killed my mother and the immortal child she created without our knowledge. I know she did it so that the Volturi would spare our lives since we knew nothing about him. Why had she created him? Didn't she know that immortal children were one of the biggest no no's of our existence? She was risking her life and she knew it. Just thinking about that time made me shudder. I know that movement startled Marcus because he looked at me confused as we continued to run.

But now with this new revelation, even that event is questionable. Sure Marcus was there, but did he ever say anything? No, he hadn't had he. He was there only in bodily form, but now thinking about it through none frightened or panicky eyes, he was barely noticeable. He just stood there. I remember Bella mentioning during that battle where Nessie's life was in danger that his expression seemed bored. It wasn't bored, though, it was vacant. As in no one was home upstairs, if you get my drift. It was this same way he looked as Aro, Caius, and Jane cruelly destroyed my mother and that child. At least they spared the three of us. Irina never got over it. Even her relationship with Laurent—if you could call it that—wasn't a fulfilling thing. She cared for him much more than he ever cared for her. I think he used her in order to get closer to the Cullen's; his only real alliance was with that bitch, Victoria. Which makes the fact that the wolves got rid of him all the more understandable.

It makes me ache so much that Irina never found happiness and met such an early and untimely death. My only consolation is that she's with our mother now. Maybe she's finally at peace and that's why she had come to me with that message of hers: "Don't be afraid to love. Even someone who seems unlovable".

And that brings me back to Marcus. If he hadn't told us everything he had, he would not only seem unlovable but actually be unlovable; he still would be a total and complete monster to me no matter what anyone else said. That would then beg the question: If he was a monster and we didn't know all of this stuff, would Rogue have executed him like she did the other Volturi members? I'm sure she would have. She, after all, knows him and knew them for 3,000 some odd years.

Now, though everything had changed. I noticed his attraction toward me almost from the beginning of his arrival here. And I must admit I have felt something for him, too. But until he told us what he did, I still considered him the unlovable monster. Now I can't think of him that way. But can I change such a horrendous past now that it has changed? Can my heart forgive a soul just as innocent as myself now realized? I don't know if I can answer those questions, but perhaps he can help me. That's why I asked him to join me. We really needed to talk.

After running for about 20 miles north, I finally stopped. Marcus stopped a few feet behind me and waited for me to figure out the next step. I closed my eyes and took a nice deep breath. Then a breeze came in from the east and with it a nice juicy smell of bear. Oh yeah baby! Let's get it on! I took off running east after it and Marcus followed suit. When we were about 120 yards from the bear when we stopped. I looked at the bear and pointed him out to Marcus who smiled, nodded, then ran up the tree to stay out of my way.