Carlisle's Diary

Through My Eyes (Esme's POV)

Dear Diary: July 12, 2013

Good afternoon. I'm sure everyone knows and understands how what had just happened affected Carlisle. But I seriously doubt anyone really understands how it affected me. Yes, I understand we have more mind readers in the area than ever before. But perhaps—other than Rogue—not too many people can read your soul.

So while Carlisle was out hunting with the boys—he was still feeling weak and was listening to Rogue's advice about hunting more often to get his strength back—I took an old notebook out from a cupboard that I used to write recipes in and decided to write out my feelings. No matter how much I adore Carlisle and how much I love speaking to him for hours and hours, some things just can't be voiced through words. So just like others before me, I will write down what I feel and staple it into his diary for him to read and share with you. That way you can understand everything through my eyes.

Now you all have to understand, I didn't care one bit about the whole Ashley/Carrie situation because as immortals, mortal drama doesn't affect us. Yes I was very upset and sad about all the havoc she created, but when it came to personal danger for us, she was nothing but a flea. When it was all said and done, if she ever came after me personally, I would have just snapped her neck and gotten that over with. I'm sure you know I'm not a cold-blooded killer, but I will defend myself however I see fit if the need arises. Needless, to say I'm glad she is on death row and is out of our hair for good.

However, this whole ordeal with Ferguson and having my husband, my love, the very purpose of my existence, writhing in pain on the ground with his arm literally torn off almost made me want to throw up and pass out at the same time. When Ferguson turned his attention to me saying that I would become his after he destroyed Carlisle and my family, I had the worst kind of flashback you can imagine. I felt like I was back in my mortal life and barely escaping the clutches of Charles, my horrific husband from that time. For a brief moment while we were all paralyzed, I felt like I was back on that cliff ready to jump.

I know Edward read my mind and the look of anguish on his face said it all. He remembers that time all too well himself. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that if it wasn't for the Watchers saving everyone, it would have gone exactly the way Ferguson had said it would. I would have either run away from him or fought him until he destroyed me too. I would never have stood for being touched by another man, especially not someone as grotesque and murderous as Ferguson.

Amy had something interesting to say when she chased the last one into the forest after Rogue destroyed the other 3. She said that just before she decimated him, she read his mind and figured out their plan. They had planned to come here, destroy all of us, then go to Alaska and take care of our Denali cousins after which—since there was apparently no more Volturi—create a full-blown newborn army numbering in the millions and take over the world! How sick is that? What they never counted on was the existence of the Watchers.

Ferguson wasn't that much older than Carlisle. When Carlisle was turned, he was maybe about 30 years old himself—post transformation I mean. What made him go on this rampage and harm innocent people is beyond me. I sit here trembling as I write each letter, each word. Because our family is so large, and mostly all of the attention is focused on the more outspoken members, I am often left behind in a sense, or the background of my family. A lot of the time that's just fine with me, especially now that we have the Watchers here. We feel safer than ever.

Other times I feel that, even though I am loved, the people around me, save for the wolves who can't get enough of my cooking, don't really appreciate all that I do for them. I must admit that I often feel taken for granted; like I'm supposed to be there kind of like part of the furniture. I am Carlisle's wife and that's really it. What do I have to really contribute to this family other than being a chef to our oversized wolves? It's like everyone has someone but me; I'm not talking about mates. We are all finally paired off. I mean when it comes to best friends: Bella has Leah—which kind of makes Alice jealous and it's cute. Michelle and Nessie are inseparable. Kim and Rosalie have found a common ground with the whole fixing-of-cars thing. Amy and Corin are always together.