I Lost Everything But Found You

Chapter 28- Loss

Empty.

That's how I felt. Maryse sent my mom a text to let me know that they were settled in and that she was still working on getting Robert to loosen up a bit, they found a gay camp for Alec just outside of New York, somewhere that will 'fix' him...

My mom got me a caretaker, she's only 18, I'm the first person she's been with, they figured I was a good start for her since all I really need is somebody there that can rush me to the hospital if I need, and somebody to spend time with me so I don't go crazy, my mother's words, not mine.

I find myself laying on my bed, staring at the cracks in the ceiling, much like I used to do years ago, before I ever met Alec. With Alexander around it felt like the world was spinning so much faster, everything in hyper speed. I didn't spend as much time thinking about the cracks in the roof, or the spider webs in the corners, instead I thought about the shades of blue in Alexander's eyes, and how they swirled together. I thought about how he would be every painter's inspiration when painting the ocean and sky.

I no longer felt the need to think about the small details, because I had the big picture staring me in the eyes, inviting me to kiss him.

But now... Now I've lost the big picture, and I'm left with only small details. Tiny little details that mean absolutely nothing to anybody that could look at them.

There's a light tap at my door, this happens every day now, my mother let's me know that my caretaker is here, she will be back after work, etc.

"Magnus. Catarina is here, I'll be back soon okay?" She doesn't open the door, she never does. She knows that I can hear her, and she knows that I won't answer or even acknowledge that she's here.

Light footsteps walk away from door and I sigh. Catarina is nice, of course, but I would much rather have Alexander here right now. I guess my mother assumed I wouldn't feel as useless if they brought in somebody only 3 years older than me as well, that she could be more like a friend than some 60 year old lady whos only there to get payed or something.

I guess it's true, I do like Catarina, and in another situation I believe we would have hit it off, she gets me, she'd be a really good friend. Who knows, maybe she will be.

"Magnus? Can I come in?" I hear Catarina's sweet voice at the door.

I stay silent, still studying the ceiling. And, as usual, she takes my silence as an invitation. I'm glad though, her being here does calm me, thought I'd never admit it, and I don't have the energy to tell her to come in.

Plus, she knows it's safe for her to come in, all I ever do is lay on my back and stare up. Or sometimes I sit against the wall beside my bed and study the dents and scratches in the wall and floor too, a new hobby I've picked up that I didn't have before I met Alec, I guess I just need more to distract me now.

"How are you doing buddy?"

I turn my head a little to look at her, she's got platnum blonde hair, and she's wearing her usual blue clothing, she seems to really like wearing blue, she's standing with her hands are her hips and a sweet smile on her lips, and I smile at her slightly.

"A smile!" She jokes excitement. "Wow. Progress." She smiles her sweet smile she almost always wears.

I drop my smile and turn back to the ceiling.

"You know, one day I will get words out of you." She grins.

I shrug, not turning to look at her.

"I am more determined than you could ever know, Bane." I shrug again. "If you come to the kitchen I'll make you pancakes." She promises.

At that I sit up slowly, pancakes sounds really good right about now.