stars

four

i quit volleyball.

well, sort of — it had been a mutual decision between my parents and my coach, and it was something i just couldn't deem worth protesting.

volleyball was his. it was ours. it was never meant to be mine alone — and i didn't want to be reminded that. it could never feel right.

i mourned, and then they forced me to go to school, still mourning. it was extreme. day and night, night and day, and all that was on my mind was him, him, him. i didn't smile. the closest i came was when matsukawa told me a really lame joke, and i nearly forgot about how horrendous life really was.

all these people around me. all the same age, the same pressure — maybe not the same, but close — and out of everyone, tooru had to be the one that couldn't take it anymore.

i hated life. i hated death even more. i hated it for taking him from me, and deep down, i longed for it to take me to him again.