stars

nineteen

"i can't do this."

"that's fine," sugawara told me, "it's brave of you to be here at all. however, now that you're here, you might as well stop by and say hi."

the graveyard was grey and depraved of any form of care, that was obvious. i couldn't see his grave from here, and in all honesty, i didn't want to.

"i can't."

"why not?"

"because— i can't face it. that he's gone."

"he's been gone for years, iwaizumi-san," sugawara told me quietly, "wether you want it to be that way or not... he's gone."

i took a deep breath, balling my fists as i nodded. "yeah. okay. fine."

he started walking. i followed. it took me every fibre of my being to move my legs; to propel myself forwards; to follow him to where i so desperately didn't want to go. every step felt heavy, as if i were dragging weights along with me. more than just the mental weight that i carried along with me every single day.

his grave was kept nicely. the grass around it was cut, and a bunch of fresh flowers was placed at the base of the tombstone. it was clean, and it scared me.

"what're you thinking?" sugawara asked me.

"i'm thinking that i shouldn't be here."

"why?"

"i was closest to him. and i let it all happen. i abandoned his family to carry the burden..."

"or is there another reason?"

"i don't like this feeling," i said quietly, "i don't like the tears that i'm fighting, or the guilt, or missing him. and i miss him so fucking much. there's nobody like oikawa tooru. and there never will be." i sniffed quietly, wiping some escaped tears away. "i miss you, you fucking idiot. and i just wish you'd come back."