stars

eighteen

"iwaizumi, welcome," sugawara smiled as he held open the door for me, "how're you doing?"

"well, i'm here," i said admittedly, "so... crappily, i guess."

"your wife explained to me what's going on," he said, gently shutting the door behind us, "would you like something to drink?"

"no thanks," i declined politely, "and yeah, can't get over that stupid idiot. i know you didn't like him, but..."

"as a person, i have no judgment over oikawa. he was a respectable person, at the very least."

"he wasn't," i said quietly. i saw his confused expression, and explained. "oikawa tooru was divinity to its highest degree, and he threw it away just like that. i love and hate him for how he was created."

"iwaizumi, i know your wife pushed you here, but... why are you here?"

"i still say love, not loved," i said silently, "i'm not over him. but i owe my wife and kid a recovery attempt, at least, to get over him, finally. and... i want to stop hurting. i'm always in pain. i don't want that."

"your wife informed me about panic attacks and nightmares. could you tell me anything about that?"

"i get awful nightmares. god, i still blame myself for him dying. if i had been just a bit more careful, it wouldn't have had to happen. it's my fucking fault."

"how so?"

"he died of a heart attack. i was literally telling him to watch out for one before we parted ways. and i was stressing him out about college. it must have added onto the pressure he already felt."

"iwaizumi, no matter what you think, you cannot cause a heart attack," sugawara said, and i looked up at him doubtfully.

"i contributed."

"you have no control over a pre-existing condition," sugawara explained, and i sighed.

"the thing is, i can't rid myself of this feeling. it was there then, and it's here now."